Thankfulness

Many a times in life you are so caught up with your own life that you actually miss the whole idea of living your own life. I am someone who tends to find the little black holes in life and dive head in. Sometimes its not the big events in life that trips you up.

For me its the little things, its the underachievements, the feeling that you could have done more but you didn't. The thing is this, while you are pondering over what you could have done, you have actually lost more time not doing the things you should do.

There are 2 voices in my head. One says :"Stop bitching about it and do it! Even if you fail, you have actually done something!" Another voice goes:"Why try so hard, be contented with life as it is. Life is like that, life is such, its too late anyway."

Sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me? It is not that i don't work hard or know what needs to be done with my life. It is as if there is this invisible wall that i keep running into, an inertial that stops me right in my track when i want to build up momentum.

Distractions. Many distractions. I always thought that i am someone who values time alone. But its weird that i hardly have any alone time nowadays. I can start the week with nothing to do after work and suddenly, by sunday night, i already pack 5 out of 7 days of the following week. Like i kept telling Ruth that i want to go out less often, spend more time with my mum at home, but it never happens.

Looking at my life, i should actually be thankful. I am thankful that i grew up in church since my teenage years. It taught me many valuable lessons, values and no matter how screwed up my life can be now. The foundation is already there. No matter how hard i struggle it has been cast in stone.

I am thankful that i have many friends who cares for me. Who bothers to even ask me if i am okay despite their own struggles in life.
I am thankful that i have put on 10 kg of weight for the past 2 years and not 20 kg!
I am thankful that i still have a job that allows me to pay my bill.
I am thankful that i still have my family around me.
I am thankful that my conscience is clear and i have not done anything to anyone or stabbed anyones back. Even as i write this i am looking at all the daggers behind my back.
I am thankful that though i am slightly overweight, i am healthy.
I am thankful that i have very good friends which i am very sure will be there for me to help if i ask them for help.
I am thankful that i can sleep soundly at night.
I am thankful that my body is whole.
I am thankful, truely thankful.