Many a times in life you are so caught up with your own life that you actually miss the whole idea of living your own life. I am someone who tends to find the little black holes in life and dive head in. Sometimes its not the big events in life that trips you up.
For me its the little things, its the underachievements, the feeling that you could have done more but you didn't. The thing is this, while you are pondering over what you could have done, you have actually lost more time not doing the things you should do.
There are 2 voices in my head. One says :"Stop bitching about it and do it! Even if you fail, you have actually done something!" Another voice goes:"Why try so hard, be contented with life as it is. Life is like that, life is such, its too late anyway."
Sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me? It is not that i don't work hard or know what needs to be done with my life. It is as if there is this invisible wall that i keep running into, an inertial that stops me right in my track when i want to build up momentum.
Distractions. Many distractions. I always thought that i am someone who values time alone. But its weird that i hardly have any alone time nowadays. I can start the week with nothing to do after work and suddenly, by sunday night, i already pack 5 out of 7 days of the following week. Like i kept telling Ruth that i want to go out less often, spend more time with my mum at home, but it never happens.
Looking at my life, i should actually be thankful. I am thankful that i grew up in church since my teenage years. It taught me many valuable lessons, values and no matter how screwed up my life can be now. The foundation is already there. No matter how hard i struggle it has been cast in stone.
I am thankful that i have many friends who cares for me. Who bothers to even ask me if i am okay despite their own struggles in life.
I am thankful that i have put on 10 kg of weight for the past 2 years and not 20 kg!
I am thankful that i still have a job that allows me to pay my bill.
I am thankful that i still have my family around me.
I am thankful that my conscience is clear and i have not done anything to anyone or stabbed anyones back. Even as i write this i am looking at all the daggers behind my back.
I am thankful that though i am slightly overweight, i am healthy.
I am thankful that i have very good friends which i am very sure will be there for me to help if i ask them for help.
I am thankful that i can sleep soundly at night.
I am thankful that my body is whole.
I am thankful, truely thankful.
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Monday, 19 November 2007
枫
乌云在我们心里搁下一块阴影
我聆听沉寂已久的心情
清晰透明就像美丽的风景
总在回忆里才看的清
被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过
**********************
缓缓掉落的枫叶像思念
我点燃烛火温暖岁末的秋天
极光掠过天边
北风掠过想你的容颜
我把爱烧成了落叶
却换不回熟悉的那张脸
缓缓掉落的枫叶像思念
为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前
爱你穿越时间
两行来自秋末的眼泪
让爱渗透了地面
我要的只是你在我身边
**********************
被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过
在山腰间飘逸的红雨
随著北风凋零我轻轻摇曳风铃
想唤醒被遗弃的爱情
雪花已铺满了地
深怕窗外枫叶已结成冰
我聆听沉寂已久的心情
清晰透明就像美丽的风景
总在回忆里才看的清
被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过
**********************
缓缓掉落的枫叶像思念
我点燃烛火温暖岁末的秋天
极光掠过天边
北风掠过想你的容颜
我把爱烧成了落叶
却换不回熟悉的那张脸
缓缓掉落的枫叶像思念
为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前
爱你穿越时间
两行来自秋末的眼泪
让爱渗透了地面
我要的只是你在我身边
**********************
被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过
在山腰间飘逸的红雨
随著北风凋零我轻轻摇曳风铃
想唤醒被遗弃的爱情
雪花已铺满了地
深怕窗外枫叶已结成冰
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Music... its a wonderful thing
I have always love music. From just listening to singing or even performing a song during my friend's weddings. I always wondered how did it all started? How did my interest become a love. First and foremost, I love singing and there is no denying that. Somethings i can be caught walking down Orchard road singing a song out loud unknowingly. Ask some of my friends and they will be too embarassed to even recall those times.
These days, it gets better because the chances of me walking down Orchard road is lesser and i drive around. Nevertheless, singing in the car has its hazard for me and especially for other road users. Sometimes when i get into the emotions of the song, i get pretty worked up and yes i sing out loud in the car. I tend to slow down unknowingly when i am singing a sad love song. I speed up when i listen to something upbeat. Cars beside me also tend to slow down cuz they are looking at me from their seats and wondering WTF is this guy doing. And yes my face reflects the emotions of the song as well and when i mean sing, i perform the song. I will charge concert tickets for driving beside me next time.
The first song i ever remember were in the 80s where there were all these Hk Kungfu serials like Tian Long Ba bu, Sheng Diao Xia Lu and even Singapore serials like Xiao Fei Yu, Mist lock Nanyang. These songs are all classics now. I learnt to sing all those songs when i was young. Also, not forgetting all the vocal warm up i do in school every morning singing the national Anthem and hymnals from my little red song book. And yes, you guess it again, i am that itrritating classmate that sings the loudest during morning assembly. No problem in getting my class to sing in the morning, the problem is lowering the volume.
I remember there was once the whole school was assembled in the school hall after the exams and the teachers had trouble thinking of what to do with us to kill time. One of the teacher dared me to go up to the stage infront of the whole school to sing a song thinking that no one will ever embarass themselves on stage. He was wrong! I didn't just sing the song, i performed the song and had actions all the way through the song with the help of some innocent classmates who did back up beside me. The whole school laugh till their sides split, and i have just confirm myself not just a the class clown but the school clown. Not something i should be proud of really. But on hindsight, i can truly say those were the days.
This is what music can do. Music evokes emotion not just by the lyrical meaning of the song. It can be just music without lyrics and you can still be sitting there quietly crying your heart out. Music can sometimes be a key that unlocks certain memories that you thought were no longer there. Certain song bears different meaning to different people. Music is so powerful that it is used in worship in church. Beat that!
All in all, music to me is a form of communication. I can talk to my friend using the lyrics and title of songs the whole day and i will atill make sense. I can just sing what i want to say if i want to, it is irritating but it still works.
These days, it gets better because the chances of me walking down Orchard road is lesser and i drive around. Nevertheless, singing in the car has its hazard for me and especially for other road users. Sometimes when i get into the emotions of the song, i get pretty worked up and yes i sing out loud in the car. I tend to slow down unknowingly when i am singing a sad love song. I speed up when i listen to something upbeat. Cars beside me also tend to slow down cuz they are looking at me from their seats and wondering WTF is this guy doing. And yes my face reflects the emotions of the song as well and when i mean sing, i perform the song. I will charge concert tickets for driving beside me next time.
The first song i ever remember were in the 80s where there were all these Hk Kungfu serials like Tian Long Ba bu, Sheng Diao Xia Lu and even Singapore serials like Xiao Fei Yu, Mist lock Nanyang. These songs are all classics now. I learnt to sing all those songs when i was young. Also, not forgetting all the vocal warm up i do in school every morning singing the national Anthem and hymnals from my little red song book. And yes, you guess it again, i am that itrritating classmate that sings the loudest during morning assembly. No problem in getting my class to sing in the morning, the problem is lowering the volume.
I remember there was once the whole school was assembled in the school hall after the exams and the teachers had trouble thinking of what to do with us to kill time. One of the teacher dared me to go up to the stage infront of the whole school to sing a song thinking that no one will ever embarass themselves on stage. He was wrong! I didn't just sing the song, i performed the song and had actions all the way through the song with the help of some innocent classmates who did back up beside me. The whole school laugh till their sides split, and i have just confirm myself not just a the class clown but the school clown. Not something i should be proud of really. But on hindsight, i can truly say those were the days.
This is what music can do. Music evokes emotion not just by the lyrical meaning of the song. It can be just music without lyrics and you can still be sitting there quietly crying your heart out. Music can sometimes be a key that unlocks certain memories that you thought were no longer there. Certain song bears different meaning to different people. Music is so powerful that it is used in worship in church. Beat that!
All in all, music to me is a form of communication. I can talk to my friend using the lyrics and title of songs the whole day and i will atill make sense. I can just sing what i want to say if i want to, it is irritating but it still works.
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
I am a peacock and i am proud of it
What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Peacock? The 3rd definition of Peacock on Dictionary.com defines it as a a "vain, self-conscious person." Hmmm... sounds like anyone you know?
Peacock are showy by nature, but i think the definition on dictionary.com is unfair to the peacock. (I am personifying here) The thing is, we don't always want to show and spread our tail feathers and yes i am a peacock and i am proud of it!
We the peacocks are not vain, maybe self conscious but definitely not vain. We carefully pick our timing and ocassions to be showy. This is good because no matter how good you are if you keep showing off your ass, not only will people not be impress but pissed most of the time.
So my good looking bunch of friends, listen to me. I don't want to name names but Gin listen to me: no matter how pretty or good looking you think you are or even how "can make it (A sai)" and talented you think you are, pick and choose the appropriate times to show off in the most unobviously obvious way. People will be irritated and aggitated if you keep sticking your ass feathers in their face all the time. I am sure many of you can relate to people you know who are ill behaved like that, ass feather and all.
So my friends, recognize the fact that you are a peacock and be proud of it. But then again if you are a peacock you wouldn't have a problem being proud. As the saying goes:"Be as proud as a peacock, just don't be a cock!"
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
New lease of blog
Just transferred all my postings from my friendster blog over to blogspot. Think this will be a better place to host my blogs from now on. Hopefully this will also mark a new beginning in my life as well. Makes me feel like an Indian though, since Deepavali is just tomorrow, Isn't Deepavali kindof like New Year for Indians. (Lunar new yr for chinese, Hari Raya for Muslims? Duh!) New Year new beginning?!?!
So many things has been happening that makes me feel like my life is spiralling out of control. My family, my work, my personal life. My decision to stay put in Singapore and not move to Macau has many implications which i shall not go into details in such a public blog. My Mother's health is one of the factor that made up my mind.
I have spoken to many close friends about my situation and why i have come to such a decision. The thing about sharing and asking for opinions is that everyone has their own point of view and different experiences that makes them come to their own conclusion. What you have to do is to flilter such "advices" and extract the crux of it and come to your own conclusion. Most important of all, make a decision.
To come to a decision you will need to visualise the end result in your mind (ala 7 habits of highly effective people) Once you know you can live with the result, balancing all the pros and cons, risk and rewards, put your foot down and say, i have decided and this is what i want to do. Mind you, this will not be easy to do, that is being unwaivering in your decision. Many people will start telling you their point of views and why you shouldn't do this and why shouldn't do that. At one point i was very sure that i was going to Macau for at least 1 year. Look at me now, i am very sure that i am not moving to Macau, but this time i have very substantial reasons why i am not moving there.
I never knew myself as much as i have in the past year. All the experiences i have garnered was all worth the sacrifices and shit i went through. I realise what i can do and what i cannot do. I realise what i can excel in and what i can do just averagely. I understand what is most important to me versus what is just good for me. My weaknesses versus my strengths. My confidence versus the lack of self esteem. How i view myself and how others view me. This wilderness experience has taken me walking round and round for too long. I have been in the wilderness for more than 10 years now. God, isn't it time to move into the promise land?!?
"'I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!'"
So many things has been happening that makes me feel like my life is spiralling out of control. My family, my work, my personal life. My decision to stay put in Singapore and not move to Macau has many implications which i shall not go into details in such a public blog. My Mother's health is one of the factor that made up my mind.
I have spoken to many close friends about my situation and why i have come to such a decision. The thing about sharing and asking for opinions is that everyone has their own point of view and different experiences that makes them come to their own conclusion. What you have to do is to flilter such "advices" and extract the crux of it and come to your own conclusion. Most important of all, make a decision.
To come to a decision you will need to visualise the end result in your mind (ala 7 habits of highly effective people) Once you know you can live with the result, balancing all the pros and cons, risk and rewards, put your foot down and say, i have decided and this is what i want to do. Mind you, this will not be easy to do, that is being unwaivering in your decision. Many people will start telling you their point of views and why you shouldn't do this and why shouldn't do that. At one point i was very sure that i was going to Macau for at least 1 year. Look at me now, i am very sure that i am not moving to Macau, but this time i have very substantial reasons why i am not moving there.
I never knew myself as much as i have in the past year. All the experiences i have garnered was all worth the sacrifices and shit i went through. I realise what i can do and what i cannot do. I realise what i can excel in and what i can do just averagely. I understand what is most important to me versus what is just good for me. My weaknesses versus my strengths. My confidence versus the lack of self esteem. How i view myself and how others view me. This wilderness experience has taken me walking round and round for too long. I have been in the wilderness for more than 10 years now. God, isn't it time to move into the promise land?!?
"'I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!'"
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