Year of the Ox

In December last year, my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had to undergo an emergency surgery to remove the tumor which was causing blockage in his colon. The doctor professed that he has not seen such a hugh tumor in a long while. Were we supposed to be comforted by that?

At that time, i could still tell myself life still goes on pretty much, my Dad has lived a a fruitful life of 75 years with many children, the cancer cell was pretty much localized and under control at stage 3, not the end of the world pretty much. All we wanted for him was that he will be happy and resting at home enjoying his retirement finally. I was more worried for my mother who seem strong on the outside but i can be sure she wasn't feeling too good inside.

On the 2nd day of new year, we had to rush him back to the hospital as he was feeling alot of discomfort with passing motion through the bag. The good news was that these discomforts were normal according to the doctor after the sugery. A week later he was discharge.

Right before the discharge, my 2nd brother broke the news to us that the doctor has confirmed that he has nose cancer pending further tests to confirm the status of the cancer cells. As i was sitting in the foodcourt as SGH with my mother, i tried comforting her that everything is going to be alright. I could tell that she was holding back her tears, the crowded foodcourt didn't managed to drown out the sound of her voice and i can still remember what she said that day. She question why all her life she had to endure so many hardships and good things never seem to fall upon her. I wish i could do more to comfort her but i could do was to tell her that she still had 2 healthy sons in the family, my elder brother and myself.

I question myself what have i really done for her all my life. Sadly, i couldn't answer that question.

Today, the doctor confirmed that my brother is in stage 4 of nose cancer, it is a pretty late stage. To top things off, he is diabetic. More scans will be done to see if the cancer cells has spread to the other organs. The doctor recommend radio and chemo therapy for him. Which means he will not be able to work for the next 6 months.

For now, i just want to spend time with my mother and brother and make sure that i can do everything within my means to make it easier for the family. Everything seems so surreal. The wierd thing is that there is not really sadness within me now. It is more of a realization that i cannot be sad especially in front of my family. Life has to go on. Life must go on.

Guess i will have to look for another job that pays better now. All my impractical dreams may have to left on the shelf for the time being. The job market is bad, more layoffs are happening all around us. I only pray that God will show mercy and let my family finally have some good news for the remaining year of the Ox.

Officer's Creed

I am an officer of the Singapore Armed Forces.
My duty is to lead, to excel and to overcome.
I lead my men by example.I answer for their training morale and discipline.
I must excel in everything I do.I serve with pride, honour and integrity.
I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination.
I dedicate my life to Singapore.

Looking forward in 2009, this creed holds true to all who are worried and heavy laden. All men are leaders in their own rights. First we lead our lives right before we can lead other lives.

To lead, an exceptional life by example
To excel in all things we do with pride honor and intergrity.
To overcome all adversities.

In this difficult times where retrenchment abound and pay cuts a neccessity to keep the job. We must be resillent. This crisis is not just an american problem, as much as Obama can inspire and lead the American public, we as singaporean should not only look to the leadership of the government but also to ourselves to overcome the adversities. Inner strength will determine your external circumstances.

So lets us all recite the creed!

We are the leaders of our own lives.
My duty is to lead a fruitful life, excel despite circumstances and overcome all negativity
I answer for all the things that is not right in my life, i am responsible for them and i blame no one.
Despite the economic downturn, i will remain positive and not blame the Americans or the mini bonds. I have made my choice today, and my chiice today is to trust in God and leave the rest to Him in all i do.

You can be wise @ 18 and stupid @ 30.

At age 30, you are at the point when life is suppose to be good. Normally, at 30 you will be beginning to start a family of your own or probably in the midst of starting one, preparing for the wedding etc. For some, a child is on the way or some are already parents. At least that is what is happening around me.

I was just reading an article on Mypaper this morning, interestingly, there was a quote from Arsene Wenger, Manager of Arsenal Football Club. The Arsenal team he is managing is a relatively young and inexperience team because of their age, so he argued that the trophy is not necessary won by the more experience and older teams but rather the more talented, teams that shows more desire and intelligence, irregardless of age.

I realised a common trait amongst the successful footballers and the not so successful. Wenger is right in certain aspects, age is not everything. Neither is talent. It is a combination of Talents, intelligence and more importantly desire that sets the champions apart from the rest.

All you have to do is look at Liverpool, they have the players and talents but yet they constantly stumble in the premier league for the many years it has been played. This season they did better because they showed more desire than the previous seasons.

Steven Gerrald is one of those players that showed desire, Mascherano and Torres also showed desire. Kurt, Reira, Carrager and alonso are also playing better because they caught on to the desire to win. Rafa has managed to bring in players that has the desire to win. No offense to the talented players who use to play for Liverpool. Think Kewell, he is such a talented player but you can see that he lacks the drive and desire.

Well, enough of football talks. I am beginning to realise the one important thing lacking in my life now is desire. A desire for excellence, a desire to want to do the best of my potential. If anyone can show me how to fan my desire for life please enlightened me. I am beginning to feel that i was wiser when i was 18 full of desire for life and now coming 30, i am just being to lose that desire to live life. What a shame..........

How bad do you really want it?

The greatest failure in life is not to fail but rather, being afraid to take the chances and fear failure. Everyone is unique and has their very own God given potential and talent. Most of us go to work everyday, do our job and go home to our family in the evening.

There will come a time when suddenly you will be seized by an urge to want to break out of your norm, the everyday life , the mediocrity that plagues all of us who are not willing to stretch ourselves further.

It is not enough to just have this urge, this urge has to tie in with your God given purpose in life, because out of purpose comes passion. This purpose and passion will then consume you and propel you. Day and night your mind has only this in mind, this is all you think about, this is all you feed upon. When you experience this, you know that your success is inevitable.

Because in the famous words of Napoleon Hill, "Whatever your mind can conceive and believe, It will achieve." I will like to add to that, "Whatever God conceives and place it upon your heart, take hold of it and believe that with God all things are possible, and it will surely come to pass."

Law of attraction at work, coupled with God's ways and blessing, it is multiplied exponentially! We are the children of the King of Kings, can you even imagine the inheritance we are entitled to? God is moulding us and teaching us to be able to handle his riches, not just financially but riches in every aspect of your lives. All we have to do is believe it and live it!

Vineyard - Many grapes make a bunch

To all my new colleagues at Vineyard. You have made my first 4 months a wonderful experience. There are so many different teams within the branch but i choose to celebrate the diversity. It makes my life so much more interesting than ever.

Firstly my thanks to MM and TM, my 2 bosses. MM, to your insights and long term vision that make svineyard what it will be tomorrow. To TM, for your coaching and mentoring and ideas that make vineyard what it is today.

To AQ, my manager, who is so willing to guide me patiently even though she doesn't have to.

To XL and his interesting team of advisers that never fails to brightened up my day.

To BY and his group as well for their drive and passion for the business.

The things i have learnt for the past 4 months has been invaluable and i will continue to drive on to qualify for CRT next year.

And of course thanks to God for placing me where i am now, i am beginning to see the vision that was given to me so many years ago. I will be on that stage!

The man in the mirror

One of the things that you do every morning, will be starring yourself in the mirror. If the image happens to say that you are ugly, you are ugly. Well, not exactly, imaging plays an inportant part in our lives. Self image, self belief. Your social image can be very different from your real image. How other sees you can also be different from how you see yourself.

Your perception of yourself will determined how you behave. I suffer from a very poor self image. That leads to a confidence issue. It manifest in my life. Many things that i start to do, i do not complete it, simply because i do not have the confidence to make it work or finish it. Sad but true. After living almost half my life, i realise that i have a serious problem of the perception of my identity.

I have beliefs like "I don't deserve good things in my life, or I am not good enough to derserve someone who loves me." I think all this can resolve only by having a strong identity in Christ. Knowing that who i am is not as important as who He is. And when that happens i will grow into the identity of Jesus.

Therefore its is no longer i that live but Christ that live in me.

Its human nature to remember the bad but forget the good

After blogging my last entry, i received many concern smses and even people i didn't know who encouraged me to hanged on. I know i need to reply or people who cares enough about me will be left wondering what is happening in my life.

I am not sick physically neither am i suicidal. Mentally i am weak from the changes that are happening in my life. I have forgotten all the good things i have in my life and focused on all things bad. I looked back at my life on realised that i have changed. Definitely not for the better.

One thing that i cannot accept is the fact that my spiritual life is topsy turvy. How far i have drifted from God although i know how much i need Him. That is why knowledge is not power... application is. You may know many things but if you don't live it and apply it, it is as good as you don't have it

There is nothing wrong with my life, i think i am more fortunate than the majority of the population of the world. I am perhaps sadden that there is so much more i can achieve in my life but due to one reason or another i have not managed to achieve. Many people at my age are facing similar things as well but they do respond differently.

I figured that when you are faced with challenges in your life, there are a few things you can choose to do.

1. Leave it and ignore it. Don't face it

2. Face it head on and struggle as much as you as needed to conquer it.

3. Face it with God, friends and family. Struggle with the knowledge that you are not alone and they understand how you feel and still love you no matter what you achieve or cannot achieve.

I am truly blessed with many friends who care. Family members who understands. A God who against all odds choose to love me and bless me.

Its all that i need to know... for now.