My insignificantly significant life

Last post

2010-03-25T13:25:00.001+08:00

Dear all who are interested to read my blog i have moved on to a new blog to mark my new beginnings. Follow the address and viola! Here u go: http://iamaq.wordpress.com/

See ya around!

First post of 2010

2010-03-08T13:15:00.002+08:00

This being the first post of 2010 in March... will really like to sum up 2009 and gve a sense of direction in my life for 2010.

2009 seem to a mile stone year for many of my friends; Marriages, child bearing, career changes you get the picture. For me these milestones in my friend's life has also become a milestone for me. when i look back for the past years of my life i feel that i really have nothing to show for in terms of success. I will like to focus on what i have done right in 2009, because i am sick and tired for apologizing for my mistakes that i have made in terms of relationships and career. I am sorry for certain decisions that i have made but i think it is time to move on and make the right ones now. It is time to take responsibility and trust in The God who came to give me life and life more abundantly!

I know for a fact that my decision to work in the casino may have a huge impact in my life moving forward. Shift work will limit my time on Sundays in church. The stigma that goes with working in a casino will also limit the ministries that i can serve in church in the future. Truth be told, i am even having second thoughts about working in the IR as a dealer now.

It will be so much easier for me to take a regular job that pays better then to subject myself to the uncertainty and the waiting game before my dealer training starts. While all this while i am draining my savings. I am even afraid to go out too often so that i can keep my expenses low.

All the factors seem to be unfavorable for me to move on with my decision as a dealer in the casino. However, when i look back on the excitement i felt when i made the decision last year to make the career switch, how i look back in my life and see how my interests and inclinations were shaped so perfectly to the industry that i am joining. I cannot help but believe that God has placed me where i needed to be, my exposure to Macao, my love for poker, my stint in the financial and media industry has managed to shape my interests and desire to want to work where i will be working.

I live to entertain! I live to please! Despite my eccentricities i have a God given gift to engage and entertain. I have a dream to entertain, to sing in show biz but i am not one to spend the necessary 10,000 hrs of hard work to be the best at what i do. God knows me better than i can ever know myself. I believe He leads and guides me the best that i can be led and guided to where i am today. I believe this is where He wants me to be. I have no concrete vision of what it is going to be and what plans He has for me in my long life ahead but something tells me that it is not going to be about me but about Him. It is going to be great!

I may not be the best person to speak to about knowing Christ, to share with you the love of Christ and what He has done for you on the cross. But i will love for you to see the grace of God in my life, and how a wretched man i am to deserve such undeserved favour from God. Due to my personality i believe I am able to share to people whom may not have been reached otherwise.

The joke is that many of friends don't even believe that i am a christian. i see that as a good thing in certain sense. Many people has come to believe that church are for the nice people, the good people. This is the image of the modern church, white church buildings, beautiful people in their Sunday best, upper or middle social class.

If you want to come to church, no tongue ring, tattoos, wildly colored hair. Oh your girlfriend is non christian? i am sorry you have to break up with her if you want to continue to come to church. You have an altar at home? Idolatry!!! You have to use a sledgehammer and break down the stronghold!!!!

I guess the reason why people are opened to me is because i do not judge. I am also as flawed as i can be and i make no excuses about being who i am. I make mistakes and do wrong things all the time and i want to make it right. But meanwhile i accept who i am and i will accept you as who you are no matter what wrong you have done as long as you know you have done wrong. This is who i am.

Back to what was right in 2009. It was right because of friends who supported me even when i was wrong. It was right because of a loving God who loves me despite of all my shortcomings. It was right because of a mother who stood by her son no matter how bad things look. It was right because i knew i was wrong and want to make things right.

Here's to a great 2010!

Poker Benefits

2009-11-17T12:04:00.000+08:00

POKER'S BENEFITS

Poker Is A Great Teacher.
Poker Improves Your Study Habits.
Poker Develops Your Math Skills.
Poker Develops Your Logical Thinking.
Poker Develops Your Concentration.
Poker Develops Your Patience.
Poker Develops Your Discipline.
Poker Teaches You To Focus On The Long Term.
Poker Teaches You That Forgoing A Profit Equals Taking A Loss (And Vice Versa).
Poker Develops Your Realism.
Poker Teaches You To Adjust To Changing Situations.
Poker Teaches You To Adjust To Diverse People.
Poker Teaches You To Avoid Racial, Sexual And Other Prejudices.
Poker Teaches You How To Handle Losses.
Poker Teaches You To Depersonalize Conflict.
Poker Teaches You How To Plan.
Poker Teaches You How To Handle Deceptive People.
Poker Teaches You How To Choose The Best "Game."
Poker Teaches You The Benefits Of Acting Last.
Poker Teaches You To Focus On The Important Subjects.
Poker Teaches You How To Apply Probability Theory.
Poker Teaches You How To Conduct Risk-Reward Analyses.
Poker Teaches You To Put Things In Context And Evaluate All Variables.
Poker Teaches You How To "Get Into People's Heads."

by David Sklansky & Alan N. Schoonmaker, Ph.D.
http://www.twoplustwo.com/magazine/issue33/sklansky-schoonmaker-poker-good-for-you.php

Being a Reds fan taught me much

2009-10-26T10:48:00.002+08:00

If you are a Liverpool fan you will know what it means to be supporting this team since Roy Evans era. I was a childhood supporter only because my brother was a Liverpool fan. I only started really understanding and watching Liverpool at the end of Roy Evans reign and when Houllier took over.

The ups and downs of a Liverpool fan is not for the faint of heart but it has taught me many things.

No 1 lesson: He who cannot master his emotions cannot master himself.

I use to spent my mondays drowning in sorrow after each Liverpool losses to second string teams or top 4 teams in the premier league. After a long struggle with these extreme mood swings, i learnt one very important thing. That is, to let go of your emotions and attachment of things that are beyond your control. I cannot play for Liverpool and help them win the league can I?

No 2 lesson: Patience and Determination

It ain't over until the fat lady sings. I must admit, I switch the television off and went to bed at half time when Liverpool was down 3-0 to A C Milan in Istanbul on that faithful night. They were outplayed and outclassed in the first half. I woke up in the morning and saw the barrage of messages on Liverpool's win. I was confused to say the least. After watching the replay on the telly, tears was rolling in my eyes. We did the Improbable, never will i give up before the final whistle. Thank you Gerrald, thank you Smicer, Thank You Alonso and thank you Dudek for the memories.

No. 3 lesson: Consistency

To win the War you have to win both the big and small battles. I realize that after Liverpool's win over Manu last night. These are the matches they win, they showed determination and their workrate all round was superb, you can see the players all fired up for this match. You don't see this when they are playing Wigan or Hull City. That is the difference.

So who said you cant learn anything from football? You'll never walk alone!

Warning: Working in the service industry may shorten life expectancy

2009-10-24T11:02:00.006+08:00

I foresee that the service in industry will be bustling with hiring and promise as the 2 IRs are opening their doors 1st quarter next year. But before you comtemplate a change of industry into the abyss, here are some real life experience i encounter this morning and they both happen to be in the bank:

Scenario one:

Woman at OCBC: (Tries to push the glass door open even upon seeing that the bank was obviously closed in darkness and no service staff in sight)

Staff: Sorry M'dm, we are open at 11am. (Clock shows 10:15a.m.)

Woman: No its not 11am, its 10:15am now!

Staff: I mean we are close now and will open only at 11am

Women: What do you mean you are close? I need to deposit cash you know!

Staff: Oh why don't you say so earlier. Depositing puny amount of cash is the top priority for the bank, investing millions with us pales in comparison, we just want our customer to deposit your hundreds of dollars with us, we will even ask our staff to start work earlier just to facilitate your transactions at your personal convenience, our staff don't have a life you know. While we are at it, do you want us to call our CEO to entertain you while you wait for us to update your pass book?

-------- Enough Said-------------
Scenario 2

Woman to bank officer: I want to know why was my interest in my Fixed deposit paid one year ago instead of today when it matured?

(Bank officer poor thing, don't know how to explain because it is just rediculous. The bank pays customer upfront interest for placing FD and yet they complaint that they receive the interest first.)

Bank Officer: Mdm this is to your advantage as you receive the money first and choose to do with it as you please.

Woman: No this is wrong your bank should not have paid me my interest first. The order is wrong. I want it at the very end when it matures! I don't know how to keep track of the interest that was paid one year ago, i don't even know if it is still there?

Bank officer: Madam, all transactions are recorded in your passbook, the interest has been credited a year ago stated right here in your bank book.

Woman: Can you run your system to check if the money is there? Can you help me add up the transaction in the pass book?

Bank officer (L.P.P.L*) : Okay, i will key in each transaction for you and you can see that the figures all adds up. (Starts keying in and adding/subtracting each transactions line by line in the bank book, few pages long)

Woman: I still don't see my interest amount for my FD? This is ridiculous, how can your bank pay me my interest first? This confuses me!

Bank officer: SHUT UP!!! F**K OFF!! GO GET A F**KING LIFE!!! YOU ARE RIDICULOUS! You should go for a brain scan before you ask questions. I will feedback to my management, an additional step is needed before we start an account for customers, it is call an IQ test. People with no brain and no IQ cannot start any account with the bank!!!!

Bold Italic is writer's frustration and make believe scene in his warped mind.
* L.P.P.L: Landing point point of landing aka Suck thumb

What's going on?

2009-10-07T10:10:00.002+08:00

There’s something wrong with the world today, I don’t know what it is… It is a world filled with many unnatural natural disasters, earthquakes, typhoons, financial meltdowns, viruses spreading and mutating.

If we sum up all the happenings in this decade alone, it is enough for you to lose sleep for the next decade. I was just watching the 911 tragedy on History channel the other day and I cannot help but cringe when I see people jumping off the burning building and people irregardless of their status, age and race running away from the bellowing smoke and debris threatening to engulf them when the Tower collapsed. It was literally Hell on earth.

The world as we know it is at a breaking point, it is at a “What’s next?” point. People are starting to want to search for answers rather than looking for answers within themselves. We can never find the answers, the world leaders cannot give you the answers even as they are seraching for it.. Nuclear war will be the next issue on their agenda, but can they resolve it peacefully?

We as a human race are coming to the end of ourselves, we are like the builders and the people in the time of the Tower of Babel. We trusted in our wisdom and intellect and built a tower so tall but in the end it was only foolishness and all things will crumble.

We human are too predictable, once we see any sign of recovery in the economy, we will jump right back on the bandwagon of greed forgetting what has transpired in the recent financial meltdown.

I can only say dear friends, take care and hold on tied to what is really important, they are not your riches and possesions but your love ones and people who are close to you.

“Trust the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”

Shalom!

Why i didn't win the $9 Mil Toto

2009-09-26T10:08:00.002+08:00

I ask God why i didn't strike Toto last night, all i got was 3 number. As i was reading this morning's devotion, somehow i got a promting from the Holy Sprit. "You didn't strike Toto because if you did, your trust and focus would be on the money and not God. You will believe that this amount of money will see you through your tough times and not God"

What a revelation! God always wants us to live our lives with him, in Him and through Him. I am sure that by learning to do that, the prosperity and riches will come. Not just monetary gains but clessings many folds, more than i can ever get from striking Toto.

Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship with a person. Someone who is there for you always, closer than your closest friend and even closer than your family.

Live life, Live Christ!

Don't confused yourself with what people say

2009-09-25T13:56:00.002+08:00

I love to read, i love to read to learn new things, to learn about other people's perception. I now realised that my interest in reading started with the book Rich Dad Poor Dad. It was such an easy book to read and the concepts within were rather interesting. The concept of "paying yourself first" was easy to understand but tough to practice.

The only issue that i have with a good book is every month there will be at least one good book on the shelves of Borders/Kino/MPH etc. Sometimes you lose focus on the good concepts presented in the book you read earlier and moved on to the next without exploring it further.

The books i like to read are typical, books on money management, investing, poker/gaming theory, sales and sometimes books on living life which are more christian in nature.

I have come to realize that there are many nuggets of truth that can be learnt through the multitudes of books. Truths that can benefit you for life. So why aren't everybody running to the bookstores or clicking all the books from Amazon right into their homes and reading them till there is no tomorrow?

All i can deduced is the reason why books don't always benefit readers is the fact that readers are just readers and not practitioners of the many useful truths that can be found in the books. In fact many readers are cynics and skeptics who just reads and doubts in his/her mind before trying to absorb the authors viewpoint. My ex boss always taught me, "one good idea" from a book you read will be worth many times the cost of the book you paid for.

Truth be told not every book you will read is the bible truth but even if the author is wrong, you learnt from his "wrong" as you learnt from what is "right"

If i were to condensed all that i have learnt through the ways from the many books that i have read, it will be this, Learn to manage and master yourself, your spirit, your mind and your body. All other things will fall into place.

Proverbs 25:28
Whoever has no rule over his own spirit. Is like a city broken down, without walls.

You cannot have prolonged success in life without being able to master yourself, your mind, your emotions and your body most importantly your spirit. I believe submitting to the authority of God is the way to go.

Part 2: Chapter 1

2009-08-13T10:41:00.001+08:00

I am beginning to see the light. It’s almost like a mathematical equation falling into place right before my eyes. When you realised the right numbers to use and put them in place into the right formula. Viola! You can almost hear a click sound and the wheels start to be set into motion.

It seems that chapter one of my life has finally started. Or rather Part 2:chapter one. Joel Osten spoke in “Becoming a better you” That God gives every individuals different giftings and inclinations which makes us unique. This can be used as indications and directions that points us in the right directions.

Lets take a look at different examples. Some people can stare at numbers everyday and just have that eye for details when it comes to auditing company numbers, they make great auditors or CPAs.

Some have the gift of the gab and more importantly gift of high EQ and they make their sales pitch seems effortless and become top sales people in their industry.

Others are born to please and have such a pleasant personality and patience and they make great PR or service industry personnels. The cruz of it is that you know that you are there when you are there.

Don’t get me wrong, your job does not necessary equate to the calling in your life. Some people get by just by doing a job and spent the rest of their time on their calling, i.e missions, outreach to the poor or even a hobby that they are pursuing outside of their work time. Many of those whom God place them in their career and that is their calling. There lies the assignment that God has given you.

If you are less than motivated where you are now, you drag yourself out of bed every morning. Chances are you have not yet realised the assignment that God has given you on earth.

Do continue to ask God the important questions: Who, what, when, where, why and how? Who can help me find out my assignment Lord? What is the assignment? Does it have anything to do with my interest and inclinations? When will this happen? Help me prepare for it Lord. What is the purpose of this assignment? What is your will to be done? And finally when all the above questions has been answered, teach me Lord? I cannot do this by myself, Tell me how to do it.

At the beginning of this year, God revealed to me that this year will be a year of redemption for me, redemption for lost time, lost wealth and lost relationships. Now that we are at the third quarter mark, everything seems clearer now what God is doing in my life.

I thank God for placing me in New Creation Church, I never knew that my beliefs were all along so self centred and not Christ centred. I never knew I had such a poor opinion of God, sub consiously believing that I deserve the bad things that are happening to me because of my imperfections and disobedience.

So what is my calling in life? I am called to influence! To become a bearer of light. To make a positive difference in the lives of the people around me. Though I am not perfect now, and I can be such a pain the rear sometimes, but I still want to be able to influence the people around me positively. This will not be done my my efforts but through Christ.

In order to do that, God will be blessing me with all good things, health, wealth, love and life. And the good news is God’s strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. My heavenly father sees me as righteous as He sees Jesus righteous.

What's "Majulah Singapura" got to do with it?

2009-07-31T15:31:00.000+08:00

If you have been reading the news lately, you would have noticed many people bringing up the issue of the fact that our national anthem was not sung during the Singapore-Liverpool match last week.

This is a classic example of making a mountain out of a molehill. I believe that the reporters in Singapore have no more news to report and started instigating certain fans to voice their "displeasure". Okay take a chill pill everyone. Although it would have been nice to have the national anthem played but verily i say unto you, even if the anthem was sung, You'll never walk alone" will still be a few times louder and sung by the fans. If that would have happened, we will still be questioning the same issue. i.e. lack of support for the home team, we don't love our lions, that was the reason why the lions lost.

Let's face some facts here.

Fact no 1:
This was meant to be, as organizers are trying to create an anfield experience for the fans. Anfield = Liverpool home ground = support for home team = support liverpool not lions

Fact number 2:
The fans did in fact buy tickets to watch liverpool and not the lions.

Fact number 3:
National day is just around the corner, you can sing majulah singapura with even more people around you. They will still be wearing red what!

So i don't really see whats the problem, the fans support good football, if the lions play well we will cheer for them, if they don't we wouldn't jeer at them. The liverpool fans support liverpool so whats wrong with that. If you want a match with the supporters supporting the lions, then FAS should bear all the marketing cost and create the publicity for the fans to do so.

This whole things just so Bo liao and mindboggling

My Sit and go results after almost 500 games

2009-07-30T16:20:00.003+08:00

Just started discovering the profitability of Sit and go tourneys on Pokerstars about 2 months ago. Thought i will share my results provided by Sharkscope. You can check my states by following this link. https://www.sharkscope.com Search database and enter my nick aq17 and you will be able to see my states on pokerstars of course. My ROI is a decent 23%. This is due to the fact that the microstakes are just so full of fishes.

My next target is to move up to $6 SnG!!!!

10 years

2009-07-30T12:23:00.000+08:00

The world moves on without a care for what is happening in your life. Okay, lets not be too ambitious here to address the whole world since the furthest country i have ever been is Australia. So, lets start over again.... Singapore moves on and doesn't even care to cast a glance at you even if you are lying flat on your face in the middle of Orchard road right outside ION orchard.

Face it, the world doesn't revolves around just you, it certain doesn't maintain its gravitational pull because you are on it. The sun is not a giant spot light that shines on you whenever you break out into a song and dance.

Just think about where you were and what you were doing 10 years ago. Fav. places that you go to, things you like to do, have they changed? I am sure the prices have but thats beside the point. 10 years ago i was fresh out from Poly and doing my NS stil trying to figure out whats next. I hang out at Olio dome during the weekends with my Jie Meis stirring a cup if their famous Ice Chocolate, btw that Olio Dome is now Balaclava at suntec. 10 years ago i was broke and can hardly afford the ice chocolate at dome but today... wait today i still can't afford it. damn it!

Well let's take a look at how things have changed around here in Singapore, Can you even remember how Marina Square looked like before it was renovated? Do you even know that it didn't looked like what it was today? The Marina area is the best example of how Singapore has managed to transformed itself to an up and coming cosmopolitan and one of the top ten cities in the world! We are now able to attract talents to become citizens, Movie stars like Gong Li, Jet Li just to name a few.

Friends, my point is, if you have so much complaint about the government and how Singapore is runned, then please run away. Many people from all over the world will be willing to take your place here in Singapore in a heartbeat. They will rejoice that there is now more space and oxygen for them to breathe. Thry are willing to work hard to prove that they belong here.

You may ask why are we allowing the so called "Foreign Talent" into Singapore. The reason is simple, we have to, we need to stay competitive and stay ahead. The locals are not willing to take up the work that the foreigners are willing to.

The service industry is a prime example of this, how many people see the service industry as a long term career and willing to start off from the very bottom rung of the ladder. How many are willing to start off as casino dealers to work their way up. I can tell you the rest of the Asean countries pray and wait to be in our position. They pray that the locals continue to have the mindset that they are superior and will not take a step back to look at the changing economy today. Then the government will have no choice but to allow the MNCs to employ more foreigners and lower the quota for locals.

The dynamics are changing, don't take another 10 years to see it coming.

Basking in past glories

2009-06-14T21:46:00.003+08:00

The first part of most if not all christian service is praise and worship, and every time the worship is ongoing and you are singing and worshiping, what goes through your mind?

For the longest time a certain scene kept flashing through my mind for some reason that i never could put my finger on.

The particular scene was the bus interchange in Toa Payoh many years ago before the whole place was air conditioned. That particular time frame was when i was still in secondary school. I can tell because it was alway zoomed in on the bus berth for Bus 142, right opposite the 7 eleven with the mama shop right behind. For those who were ex saints know it well, that was the only bus that travels directly to our secondary school. I never knew what God was trying to say to me until last wednesday during the Healing and financial seminar.

In the midst of the service it became clear to me that for the longest time i was depending on past experiences with God to sustain my faith and beliefs. Past experiences are great only if they propel you forward in search of new ones that God has in store for us.

For the longest time i have kept God in a small little box in the corner of my head. I thought that this was it, all the past 16 years of being a christian with its ups and downs, trials and temptations is what God is all about, nothing more... maybe less. I was puting God in a box so small that i was limiting His power in my life.

Lunch with Charles took longer than expected so i didn't make it for third service though i did make it for the last service.

It was a powerful message, simple but powerful. If we can look at our lives and see some of the challenges that we are facing, this will probably be the area that God wants to strengthen us.

All things work for the good of those who love God who were called according to His
purpose.

Do we truly believe that? If we do. our mindset should change radically when we face the challenges in our lives. We should be able to do as Paul did. That is to rejoice in His trials because that is the area that God has His superabounding grace to wrap us in. That is the area in our lives that God wants to place more responsiblility with us and that is our training ground.

Sometimes we ask ourselves, after some many years why the hell am i experiencing the same thing for crying out loud?!?!? It probably meant that we have not learnt the lesson well. God is not interested to sooth your pain as much as He is interested to heal your heart by healing the root cause of it.

God wants to mould and change us by getting to the root cause. I use to think it is about digging up the past and finding out what went wrong in my childhood and whatsoever. Yes, this may help me identify what caused my insecurities when it comes to relationship, with my parents, brothers and even my friends. Why i do certain things to pissed people off especially those who are close to me. But this will not heal or cure me and make me stop doing what i am doing. Knowing that God accepts me and loves me despite all my flaws will change my heart and ultimately free me. Being without and not understanding God's love for us is the root cause of all problems.

I believe that this is the message of the cross, of how Jesus chose to hang on the cross so that the undeserving can receive forgiveness no matter what we have done wrong in our lives. The only reason why we cannot receive this free gift of Grace is when we believe that we can earn salvation by our own strength and works, in short self righteousness.

How wrong can we be? I have spent the last 16 years believing that i have to live my life right in order to draw near to Jesus and believing that one day i will conquer all my weaknesses and attain holiness, how wrong was I?

God meant for us to draw near to Christ and know that nothing we can do will make us pure and righteous but only through Christ. And when we reach the end of ourselves then will we understand and begin to fathom the depth of our Father's love for us.

Right believing will bring about right living. Whereas Right living will not give you right beliefs

The recession is from within

2009-06-03T00:50:00.002+08:00

I have not have the best of time during this week. Over the weekend, my brother blacked out in the toilet and we had to call for the ambulance to send hm to the nearest hospital. It was pretty traumatizing as thoughts that he may not wake up again flashed in mind. The worried look on my mother's didn't helped either. Finally we managed to get him to the hospital at around noon after several ECG and scans the doctor confirmed that he was alright and we left the hospital around 5pm in the evening.

Today my mother just told me that my brother had to take no pay leave for 2 months as he was on medical leave after the blackout saga. Which means he will be without income for 2 months. Life goes on and expenses has to go on as well...

I was in orchard road to meet Mrs Lum today, she noticed the same thing as me. Recession? what recession? The LV and the Montblanc and all the branded stores in Ngee ann city are packed! Hour glass Dior Burberry all packed with people. Yes it is the GSS but it is still the recession right?

At least i know that the recession in my home is real. I try to stay at home and minimize my trips out unless very necessary. I have also stopped driving to minimize the fuel cost and parking charges. I am waiting for God's blessing to pur out to bring me out of this stage of my life. May the blessings of Abraham be upon me soon.

No Music no dream

2009-05-22T21:08:00.002+08:00

Recently, i made a list of things that i am good at. Sort of like a strength and weaknesses kind of list. I wanted to remind myself that i am good for something. Things that God has placed in my life that i have not manifest to the best of my abilities. One of the area that i have identified was Music. God has given me a great sense of hearing, a discerning pair of ears. I was always good with picking up a tune and remembering how a particular song goes and how a singer sings the song naturally without trying real hard.

Those of you who knows you have the same ability don't take it for granted, use it go further into exploring music, in singing, playing a music instrument and even creative song writing. I am delving in it myself as well. Think of those people who are tone death and couldn't even hold a tune. Worst is that they don't even realized it! Take hold of your God given talent People.

I have always wanted to make a living out of singing but was unable to do so. I realized that thi s year is not only a year for God to redeem my lost time but also God's moulding in being faithful in the little things He has placed in my life. I am really living each day as God has given me, every thing still seems fuzzy.

Though i see right now through a glass rather dimly.... But i see enough to know that i need God's guidance each step of the way as a loving Father leads his Son.

I vaguely see some light at the end of the tunnel but i see enough to know my life is insignificant by itself but Significant in the eyes of my abba father.

It all boils down to perspective

2009-03-07T09:00:00.003+08:00

I haven't much time to blog due to the fact that i am broke and need to find ways and means to earn the extra income and also due to helping out with my family. (See previous entry) I see life at this stage of my life pretty differently, my insignificantly singnificant life was birth out of sharing about my life thoughts and views. More importantly it is about finding directions in my life.

It has been a great tool for me to pen down my thoughts and bring clarity to certain things in my life. It has done a great job of milestoning the past few years of my life, what i have achieved or not achieved. Here are some of the things i have achieved:

1. The right attitude towards life.
In my 20s, i have had really big dreams but i was never good at doing the small things well to achieve those dreams. I have come to point in my life where i value certain things more than the monetary returns and dreams that i use to value. God, family and friends. These matters.

2. Found something that i love to do and passionate about it
If you love music, go all out and immerse yourself in it. If you love movies, likewise do the same. Be so good at it that when someone ask you something about it, you can share on the topic for hours. Be crazy about it! In return, you will find that your passion will be the one that wakes you up in the morning and keep you up in the wee hours of the morning on the internet doing research.

3. A life of fruitfulness and happiness
In the midst of all my trials and struggles, i realize that i am truly blessed. I have many good friends who love me. My mother who cares and spoils me to bits even at my advance age now. My family is still intact despite the health status that they are currently in. My bosses are the most understanding in the world, giving me a job when i need one and standing by me giving me guidance. The one thing that Max shared with me has been the reason why i am able to face my reality: "I use to complain that my feet has no shoes to wear, until i saw those who had no legs"

It's all about perspective.
If you are complaining about the 30% pay cut you just had, think about those who lost their job and have 100% cut.
If you have lost your job, think about those who lost their fortune in the stock market or even lost their love ones when money cannot buy them back.
And if you have lost your love ones recently, think of those who may have lost their whole family in disasters like the recent australia bush fire or even Katrina, 911 etc. The list can go on and on.

Be thankful today about what is right in your life and be grateful about what went wrong in your life is not worst off then it is. Be still and know that HE is God.

Year of the Ox

2009-02-09T22:36:00.002+08:00

In December last year, my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had to undergo an emergency surgery to remove the tumor which was causing blockage in his colon. The doctor professed that he has not seen such a hugh tumor in a long while. Were we supposed to be comforted by that?

At that time, i could still tell myself life still goes on pretty much, my Dad has lived a a fruitful life of 75 years with many children, the cancer cell was pretty much localized and under control at stage 3, not the end of the world pretty much. All we wanted for him was that he will be happy and resting at home enjoying his retirement finally. I was more worried for my mother who seem strong on the outside but i can be sure she wasn't feeling too good inside.

On the 2nd day of new year, we had to rush him back to the hospital as he was feeling alot of discomfort with passing motion through the bag. The good news was that these discomforts were normal according to the doctor after the sugery. A week later he was discharge.

Right before the discharge, my 2nd brother broke the news to us that the doctor has confirmed that he has nose cancer pending further tests to confirm the status of the cancer cells. As i was sitting in the foodcourt as SGH with my mother, i tried comforting her that everything is going to be alright. I could tell that she was holding back her tears, the crowded foodcourt didn't managed to drown out the sound of her voice and i can still remember what she said that day. She question why all her life she had to endure so many hardships and good things never seem to fall upon her. I wish i could do more to comfort her but i could do was to tell her that she still had 2 healthy sons in the family, my elder brother and myself.

I question myself what have i really done for her all my life. Sadly, i couldn't answer that question.

Today, the doctor confirmed that my brother is in stage 4 of nose cancer, it is a pretty late stage. To top things off, he is diabetic. More scans will be done to see if the cancer cells has spread to the other organs. The doctor recommend radio and chemo therapy for him. Which means he will not be able to work for the next 6 months.

For now, i just want to spend time with my mother and brother and make sure that i can do everything within my means to make it easier for the family. Everything seems so surreal. The wierd thing is that there is not really sadness within me now. It is more of a realization that i cannot be sad especially in front of my family. Life has to go on. Life must go on.

Guess i will have to look for another job that pays better now. All my impractical dreams may have to left on the shelf for the time being. The job market is bad, more layoffs are happening all around us. I only pray that God will show mercy and let my family finally have some good news for the remaining year of the Ox.

Officer's Creed

2009-01-22T17:31:00.003+08:00

I am an officer of the Singapore Armed Forces.
My duty is to lead, to excel and to overcome.
I lead my men by example.I answer for their training morale and discipline.
I must excel in everything I do.I serve with pride, honour and integrity.
I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination.
I dedicate my life to Singapore.

Looking forward in 2009, this creed holds true to all who are worried and heavy laden. All men are leaders in their own rights. First we lead our lives right before we can lead other lives.

To lead, an exceptional life by example
To excel in all things we do with pride honor and intergrity.
To overcome all adversities.

In this difficult times where retrenchment abound and pay cuts a neccessity to keep the job. We must be resillent. This crisis is not just an american problem, as much as Obama can inspire and lead the American public, we as singaporean should not only look to the leadership of the government but also to ourselves to overcome the adversities. Inner strength will determine your external circumstances.

So lets us all recite the creed!

We are the leaders of our own lives.
My duty is to lead a fruitful life, excel despite circumstances and overcome all negativity
I answer for all the things that is not right in my life, i am responsible for them and i blame no one.
Despite the economic downturn, i will remain positive and not blame the Americans or the mini bonds. I have made my choice today, and my chiice today is to trust in God and leave the rest to Him in all i do.

You can be wise @ 18 and stupid @ 30.

2008-11-12T08:37:00.002+08:00

At age 30, you are at the point when life is suppose to be good. Normally, at 30 you will be beginning to start a family of your own or probably in the midst of starting one, preparing for the wedding etc. For some, a child is on the way or some are already parents. At least that is what is happening around me.

I was just reading an article on Mypaper this morning, interestingly, there was a quote from Arsene Wenger, Manager of Arsenal Football Club. The Arsenal team he is managing is a relatively young and inexperience team because of their age, so he argued that the trophy is not necessary won by the more experience and older teams but rather the more talented, teams that shows more desire and intelligence, irregardless of age.

I realised a common trait amongst the successful footballers and the not so successful. Wenger is right in certain aspects, age is not everything. Neither is talent. It is a combination of Talents, intelligence and more importantly desire that sets the champions apart from the rest.

All you have to do is look at Liverpool, they have the players and talents but yet they constantly stumble in the premier league for the many years it has been played. This season they did better because they showed more desire than the previous seasons.

Steven Gerrald is one of those players that showed desire, Mascherano and Torres also showed desire. Kurt, Reira, Carrager and alonso are also playing better because they caught on to the desire to win. Rafa has managed to bring in players that has the desire to win. No offense to the talented players who use to play for Liverpool. Think Kewell, he is such a talented player but you can see that he lacks the drive and desire.

Well, enough of football talks. I am beginning to realise the one important thing lacking in my life now is desire. A desire for excellence, a desire to want to do the best of my potential. If anyone can show me how to fan my desire for life please enlightened me. I am beginning to feel that i was wiser when i was 18 full of desire for life and now coming 30, i am just being to lose that desire to live life. What a shame..........

How bad do you really want it?

2008-10-30T14:14:00.003+08:00

The greatest failure in life is not to fail but rather, being afraid to take the chances and fear failure. Everyone is unique and has their very own God given potential and talent. Most of us go to work everyday, do our job and go home to our family in the evening.

There will come a time when suddenly you will be seized by an urge to want to break out of your norm, the everyday life , the mediocrity that plagues all of us who are not willing to stretch ourselves further.

It is not enough to just have this urge, this urge has to tie in with your God given purpose in life, because out of purpose comes passion. This purpose and passion will then consume you and propel you. Day and night your mind has only this in mind, this is all you think about, this is all you feed upon. When you experience this, you know that your success is inevitable.

Because in the famous words of Napoleon Hill, "Whatever your mind can conceive and believe, It will achieve." I will like to add to that, "Whatever God conceives and place it upon your heart, take hold of it and believe that with God all things are possible, and it will surely come to pass."

Law of attraction at work, coupled with God's ways and blessing, it is multiplied exponentially! We are the children of the King of Kings, can you even imagine the inheritance we are entitled to? God is moulding us and teaching us to be able to handle his riches, not just financially but riches in every aspect of your lives. All we have to do is believe it and live it!

Vineyard - Many grapes make a bunch

2008-10-03T10:44:00.003+08:00

To all my new colleagues at Vineyard. You have made my first 4 months a wonderful experience. There are so many different teams within the branch but i choose to celebrate the diversity. It makes my life so much more interesting than ever.

Firstly my thanks to MM and TM, my 2 bosses. MM, to your insights and long term vision that make svineyard what it will be tomorrow. To TM, for your coaching and mentoring and ideas that make vineyard what it is today.

To AQ, my manager, who is so willing to guide me patiently even though she doesn't have to.

To XL and his interesting team of advisers that never fails to brightened up my day.

To BY and his group as well for their drive and passion for the business.

The things i have learnt for the past 4 months has been invaluable and i will continue to drive on to qualify for CRT next year.

And of course thanks to God for placing me where i am now, i am beginning to see the vision that was given to me so many years ago. I will be on that stage!

The man in the mirror

2008-09-20T11:30:00.002+08:00

One of the things that you do every morning, will be starring yourself in the mirror. If the image happens to say that you are ugly, you are ugly. Well, not exactly, imaging plays an inportant part in our lives. Self image, self belief. Your social image can be very different from your real image. How other sees you can also be different from how you see yourself.

Your perception of yourself will determined how you behave. I suffer from a very poor self image. That leads to a confidence issue. It manifest in my life. Many things that i start to do, i do not complete it, simply because i do not have the confidence to make it work or finish it. Sad but true. After living almost half my life, i realise that i have a serious problem of the perception of my identity.

I have beliefs like "I don't deserve good things in my life, or I am not good enough to derserve someone who loves me." I think all this can resolve only by having a strong identity in Christ. Knowing that who i am is not as important as who He is. And when that happens i will grow into the identity of Jesus.

Therefore its is no longer i that live but Christ that live in me.

Its human nature to remember the bad but forget the good

2008-08-14T17:35:00.003+08:00

After blogging my last entry, i received many concern smses and even people i didn't know who encouraged me to hanged on. I know i need to reply or people who cares enough about me will be left wondering what is happening in my life.

I am not sick physically neither am i suicidal. Mentally i am weak from the changes that are happening in my life. I have forgotten all the good things i have in my life and focused on all things bad. I looked back at my life on realised that i have changed. Definitely not for the better.

One thing that i cannot accept is the fact that my spiritual life is topsy turvy. How far i have drifted from God although i know how much i need Him. That is why knowledge is not power... application is. You may know many things but if you don't live it and apply it, it is as good as you don't have it

There is nothing wrong with my life, i think i am more fortunate than the majority of the population of the world. I am perhaps sadden that there is so much more i can achieve in my life but due to one reason or another i have not managed to achieve. Many people at my age are facing similar things as well but they do respond differently.

I figured that when you are faced with challenges in your life, there are a few things you can choose to do.

1. Leave it and ignore it. Don't face it

2. Face it head on and struggle as much as you as needed to conquer it.

3. Face it with God, friends and family. Struggle with the knowledge that you are not alone and they understand how you feel and still love you no matter what you achieve or cannot achieve.

I am truly blessed with many friends who care. Family members who understands. A God who against all odds choose to love me and bless me.

Its all that i need to know... for now.

Its officially over

2008-07-14T18:45:00.002+08:00

My life officially ended today. It's worst than a physical death. It's death in its purest sense. My emotions are dead, my spirit is dying... It is sad to have all these truth in my head but i don't choose to believe them. I am a walking living corpse, the mind has died, my Spirit burning out and a physical body waiting to wither away.

What meaning does my life bear? Where does it lead to? I am turning my friends away one by one. I am turning my mother away. I have stopped almost all contact with my closer church friends. I have stopped getting involved in their lives by choice... I am sorry i have stopped being a friend.

My mind is not sound anymore. I will still function in the norm but thats it, norm. I don't know when i stopped caring... I don't know when i stopped loving... but i did.

Nothing matters to me anymore it seems. Not my job, my family, friends, church or even God... All these while i try to make it work but it finally fell apart.

I don't know if i will ever pick up the pieces again. I have lost all belief in myself and i pray that i have not lost belief in Him....

All i can say is I am sorry.

Cut your limb off.

2008-06-12T00:44:00.000+08:00

If your left eye causes you to sin, gouge it out! If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to lose part of your limbs then to lose your whole body. To lose your being , your spirit. So says the bible. Certain principles and lessons in the bible are best learnt when put into your own context, into your own reality. Your life is based on your perception and your perception is your reality. The only way someone else’s reality becomes yours is when he cast his own reality into yours and changes your perception. That can be casting of a vision in your life. It can be a sales person selling you a product. He made his reality your perception. That’s not the point I was trying to make, and I digress.
I have come to a point in life when I realise that there are too many extra baggage that I have been trying to carry for far too long. Many friendships that have not make positive influences in my life. Perceptions cast into my life that moulded my reality. Pastor Pierre spoke of 2 things in my life that I need to change and it was very true. Circle of friends and bad habit.
I never took it too seriously but I realise that both these things have been affecting me in ways unimaginable.
Just last week, I was serving in Camporama for the royal rangers (Uniform group for Christian youth and kids) and I totally felt out of place. God was speaking to me, I used to feel in place in the company of Christians and believers, but now I just feel out of place. I used to serve in the youth group as a youth leader, I play the drums, guitar and worship lead for the services in church, I teach in Sunday school. I serve in cell group and what do I do now?
I sleep late on Sunday mornings and skip church, don’t even start talking about serving in ministry.
Where is my life heading towards? How do I get there? It doesn’t matter how I get there if I cannot answer where I want to end. My prophecy in my life has not come to past. If I cannot settle my heart in my life I will always be mediocre in whatever I do. I am willing to cut off my arm and gouge out that eye. I just asked that the Holy sprit will be my crutches and cane for me to find my way again.

What God has for you is bigger than you can ever imagine

2008-05-29T23:25:00.001+08:00

It is easy to fall into the trap of believing in what legalistic Christians called Prosperity Gospel. There are Christians who strongly believed that money is the root of all things evil. The bible take is… love of money is the root of all evil not money itself.

There is no doubt in my mind that God is a generous God. He is the giver of all good things. He blessed His children with many good gifts and He will not stop doing that till it overflows. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be blessed by God’s gift. There are 2 aspects that we have to be wary of.

Firstly, loving the gifts instead of the giver. Jesus was clear what was the most important thing being a child of God. To love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your strength and not have any other God’s before Him. We run into trouble when we start to put money as the no.1 priority in our lives. I am purposely citing money because many tend to equate blessings and prosperity from God in the monetary sense. Which comes to my next point.

Blessings from God does not simply equate financial blessings. I used to think so. I thought switching back into the financial industry was God’s way of telling me that its time to fill your barn with overflowing gold and multi currencies. I though when God showed me that 2008 will be a year of redemption for me meant making up for lost time that I wasted not putting my potential to full capacity in my career. While its is partly true but nevertheless it is not the sum of all its parts.

I cannot even imagine myself saying this now. I totally dig what I am doing right now. For fear of many of friends stoning me after reading this, I just want to say this out loud. It is possible to love what you are doing! At least I am feeling it right now. I am typing this blog entry in a crowded bus on my way home. Its quarter past 10 and I had just finished a 15 hour work day, I am tired but happy? Wow… unbelievable. This coming from me whose aspiration is to be a professional poker player and win the WSOP in 2010.

I will not elaborate on how God has placed me in my current placement as I have already elaborated in my previous blog entry. I seriously thought it was just for the financial blessings. The things I have learnt and was reminded of in the past 1 month has justified my move from the media industry.

I believe next week will be a great week. I will be helping out in camporama as a helper. Currently I am trying to find an avenue for me to serve and music seems too obvious. So I am praying and asking God to show me more areas of possibilities. This will be great start.

Let’s put things into perspective. God is good, he blesses. Christ has died once and for all for our sins. God cannot impute sin on us if we are under the blood of Jesus. For those sin preacher out there, woe to you if you condemn sinners! The church doors are open for sinners, don’t make the sinners feel unworthy of Jesus. Jesus came for the sinners and not the righteous. Don’t go preaching about sins in the lives of people, go preach about Christ and his finished work and His saving grace. That is what matters most.

Right believing will lead to right living! If you know God, you have experience His love in your live. Expect Great things from God. He will show you things beyond your imagination. He will richly bless your life more than you can ever imagine. Financial blessings is just a by product of His blessings in your life. You will have to think out of the box when it comes to God, cuz that’s where you will find His blessings, overflowing out of it!

I took myself out of the game

2008-05-21T21:04:00.004+08:00

Who would have thought a movie would be the one to make some sense of what is happening in my life. This particular scene in the movie made alot of sense to me, the movie was "What happens in Vegas." Movie one liners intriques me. Just mentioned a line in the movies and i probably can tell you which movie is it from.

The more popular one liners are like: "You got me at hello." "With great power comes great resposibility" (Think Kung Fu Hustle lol.) "Freedom!!!!" (One worder) "Run forest run" "Do i make u horny?" You get the idea.

The particular scene was when Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz started to realise that they were falling in love with each other. He realise that all his life, he has never took things seriously enough, "I took myself out of the game." he confessed. "Guess when you don't place your bet in life, you wouldn't lose anything." This was a simple truth yet it stuck with me.

I realise that was me, and i always wondered why i never took life seriously enough. I never put myself on the line, to win or to lose. Playing poker made me realise this as well. You must be able to bet to win. Be it preflop, on the flop, on the turn or the river. Sometimes just by betting, you will win even with the worst hand!

My whole life, i simply took myself out of the game. I never lose nor will i ever win. Do i want to live my life this way? Hell no!

"I took myself out of the game." "If i don't place the bet i will never lose" to which Cameron Diaz replied:"I will bet on you."

Though i never did place a bet on myself, Jesus did. He believed in me even when i failed, even when i sinned, even when i fell. In the same way, though i never wanted to lose... my mother believed in me, even when i was wrong, even when i was stubborn, even when i was rebellious.

Why did God take me out of my comfort zone in advertising, I love the industry, i love the people, i love magazines... it gets clearer by the day. We have one God given life and many God given talents. We can choose to sit on the sideline of our own life and let others be the quarterback to lead our team?

I also realise that i am not the only one, many around me seems to be this way as well. Somewhere along the line we stop taking chances, in work, in relationships, in life generally. By the time we realised this, 1 year has passed, 3 years, 10 years have passed us by. Yet we just let the years slipped by.

I am beginning to want to live my life, but this time i am not doing it alone. His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses.

He makes all things wonderful, in His time

2008-05-01T23:54:00.004+08:00

It is apt that i am writing this blog entry now. Tomorrow marks a new beginning for me. It took me a while to make this switch back into the financial sector but once i prayed and decided and on it, i know there is no turning back. If i haven't left SPHM and taken the job offer at L&N, i am sure i would've even think about rejoining the financial industry. It has been more than 4 years since i left. Now i feel like i am starting all over again.

Some may say it takes a lot of courage to make this decision at my age. Honestly, i am amaze at myself as well. After making this decision, i actually started to doubt myself, my own abilities, how i might be digging a hole for myself.

Last sunday, during service i felt the Holy spirit speaking to me in my heart. Athough i haven't been the "best" of christian but somehow i still feel the presence of the HS very strongly. Darlene who was leading worship was truly incredible, you can just feel her annointing in worship so strongly.

Immediately after the worship, i wrote this in my notebook... "Salvation is not about what u did or what you can do, its about what Jesus did and what He is going to do in your life." I was reminded that my life is not about my abilities, my shortcomings, my strength or my talents. It is about who God is in my life, and i can rest assure in my salvation in Him because of His love and sacrifice on the cross for me 2000 years ago. Its a simple yet powerful truth. Many people knows this but never believe it fully. I have friends whom i invited to church but refuse to come to church because they think they are not ready for God or they are not worthy for church. The very reason why Jesus died on the cross for them is the very excuse they use to refuse Him.

Nobody is ever ready for God or worthy of church, that is why Jesus came down from heaven to die for our sins... duhhh?!?! To me in this stage of my life i am beginning to see things more in perspective. Less of self more of Him. It doesn't matter who i am, what's more important is who He is.

Daniel Negreanu's blog entry

2008-04-09T15:55:00.002+08:00

A blog entry from one of my favourite poker player. Playing poker is similar to investing in the stock market or even starting a business. I look at my hole cards and decide how much to invest. I need to know the business climate and economic outlook before i invest (what players are u playing against and your position, early middle or late position)

Without God I'm Useless
16 Jan 2007

I'm a mess. In every sense of the word my mind is not in a good place right now. I started 07' on a high, fresh, and looking to dominate the poker world with a steady diet of working out and playing my best in the tournaments.Bahamas went great. I stuck to my regimen of poker and exercise, totally focused on doing my best at the tables. Then I came to Australia, looking forward to the Aussie Millions and I put in a pitiful performance in everything that I did. I was groggy at all times, abandoned my workouts, and played some of the worst poker I could play.How did this all happen? I was so focused on being a lion all year long, and within the first month I was already an absolute joke.

Sure, I could have won the hands I played for all my chips, but even if I did, it wouldn't have been a good thing since my decisions were just wrong.So how does God play into this? God plays into it in a big way, at least for me anyway. With all of the resolutions I'd set for myself in 07', not one of them mentioned having a deeper relationship with God in my life. I mentioned video games, working out, and all sorts of things, but there wasn't one mention of what is truly important to me and my well being.Too focused on "me" and less focused on the fact that without God, I am nothing.

Without a close, personal relationship with God, happiness would be impossible.I'll be honest with you- this month I've been on an emotional roller coaster. At one point I was super excited about working out on a regular basis, but since being in Australia, one of the most beautiful places in the world, I've been pretty depressed.Not only because of my poor decisions, but also because I'm here without my wife. I miss her, I really do.

Before this trip we'd really gotten so much closer and I became so comfortable with her around. I don't think I'll ever be away from her for this long again. In fact, I'm going home. I'm going home tomorrow. Unfortunately, Lori won't be there for the couple days I'm home before Tunica, but I just need to recharge my batteries nonetheless.

Tonight I went out with "the guys." It was a lot of fun and the conversation was very interesting.

We ended up talking about God for much of the evening, and despite the fact that several of my friends were non-believers, the conversation was so refreshing since they never mocked me for my beliefs, and we had an open, religious dialogue without it ever turning nasty. It was awesome. Perry Friedman, a guy who I've always respected but never really had a chance to know personally, blew me away.

His views of God weren't entirely in line with mine, but he treated me with the utmost respect despite the fact that we disagreed on a few things. I'm so thankful for his open mindedness and his willingness to talk to me about such a touchy subject.Anyway, about that touchy subject. This blog isn't intended to be a religious blog.

This blog isn't intended to "convert" anybody into becoming a believer. This blog, is an opportunity for me to share with you all what is going on with my life. On that note, I have to say that I've been lonely, and it's not just a case of missing my home, my wife, and my little dog Mushu. I feel like in many ways that my personal relationship with God has faded and it kills me to admit that. This affects my poker mind, but frankly, I could care less about any of that. I'm more concerned with the person I've become recently, and I don't like that guy one bit. I'm often irritated, jealous, venomous, spiteful, arrogant, mean, insecure, and all around unhappy.

Trying to fill those gaps with things like "working out" just don't last. It's a great step, don't get me wrong, but without a close relationship with God in my life, I don't LIVE. I die slowly, I hate, I complain, I'm sick... I hurt. Most of you, despite the fact that you may feel like you "know me," really don't know what it's like to live my life. I'm NOT complaining, my life is great and I have all kinds of opportunities, but sometimes, too much of a good thing can be harmful. Vanity is the deadliest sin in so many ways, but especially because it sneaks up on you without you even realizing it.

It's the sin I'm most conscious of, most afraid of, but it's still a constant battle despite knowing that it's there.I hate to think that this blog is coming off like a, "poor me" blog. I've always tried to let people in, and it's always made me feel better. At the same time, there is a price to pay for always putting on a smiley face, even when you don't feel like smiling at all. The people here in Australian are so nice, they've treated me exceptionally well... but I want nothing to do with it right now. I feel safer tucked away in my room, sweating the hockey games, and the tennis.

Anyway, it's getting pretty late here in Melbourne and I have a flight to catch. I'm seriously not even sure if I'm going to press send on this blog, because a lot of it is pretty revealing, and some may even find it preachy despite the fact that I've tried to be as "unpreachy" as possible.God is important to me. My life is better when I make God the center of it. When I don't, regardless of any tournament success or accolades, I just can't be happy unless I feel like I'm at a good place with God.In closing, I don't plan on turning this blog into a religious soap box, but this is MY blog and this is what I think about. I try my best to play it safe, not jamming God down people's throats, but at the same time, I'm not about to hide the fact that I believe.Here's to an awesome 2007, hoping that we all get our resolutions and priorities in order.

Perpetually tired

2008-04-04T15:14:00.002+08:00

Recently, i found myself needing alot of rest. I seem tired the whole day and just can't seem to perk myself up and function properly. Of course the first thing i should really do is to sleep early.

The fact is i can't... 2 am is the earliest i can try to sleep. Other than that i need to be on the internet doing something. Most probably on Facebook playing Texas holdem. I decided to give up on that as well. It is really quite meaningless chasing after that next ranking. Can you imagine the number of hours that is poured into daily when i can actually do something else with the time.

We need a FBTHA, Face book texas holdem annoymous group for support to quit this madness. The best thing about this is the fact that i am not the only one. Everytime i log on, i will see the familliar group of ppl on different table. Be it a point game or tournament. The satisfaction you get in winning the tournament is incredible! You know who u are...

We have also offcially move 1 rung up the ladder of poker... we are going to start playing live games! This way we can truly mold ourselves to be better poker players. I don't know about the others but i do have an objective in mind to all these hours invested in poker. I have only shared this with a few people but coming 2011, i will want to participate in the WSOP 2011. If possible i want to participate in the main event. Be it for the pride of Singapore or for the experience i think it is worth the 10k buy in. I have not truly come across a professional singaporean player yet. I will love to be a poker player who puts Singapore on the Poker map if i can.

Imagine, me playing on the final table of the WSOP main event. Daniel Negreneu sitting on my left, doyle brunson across me with his son Todd beside him as well. Daniel push all in, Toby maguire folded to me and i call Daniel's all in with pocket AA vs Daniels pocket QQ. The flop came 267 rainbow, the turn came a Q and Daniel jumps for joy and went delirious until the dealer turns over an A on the river and i send Daniel home packing. wowwww.... the ups and downs of poker are not for the weak.

The whole point of this post? I need sleep and i should stop playing poker non stop for hours at night... maybe only 2 hours.

Why we love Poker and poker Lesson 1

2008-03-13T09:52:00.008+08:00

I started playing Poker after watching a few movies with a little poker in it. Texas holdem to be specific and not the typical showhand pokers you see in Stephen Chow's movies.

One of the movie was James Bond with Daniel Craig as 007 and the other... i can't really remember. There are many lessons you can draw from playing poker, i think everyone should play this game if not at least draw lessons from it. I am no Poker Pro but just want to share my experience after playing online poker for about a year now.

The poker game has evolved over the years and attracted many interest all around the world especially with the huge interest in the World Series of Poker (WSOP) after Chris Moneymaker an amateur won the WSOP in 2003. Everyone called it the Moneymaker effect. Chris a former accountant who earns $40k a year won 2.5 million in cold hard cash in the WSOP. It was every grown up poor man's wet dream... to put it crudely. Moneymaker delve into poker after watching Rounders, starring Matt Damon. If anyone of you is interested in Poker, you should watch it, it should at least stir some interest to play.

After the moneymaker effect, the participation in WSOP skyrocketed. Prize money for the main event in 2006 was an obscene amount of more than 12 million dollars! Jamie Gold won it that year. It was the highest ever prize money in the history of WSOP. Without further bantering, here is lesson 1.

No 1 Lesson: Read your opponents

The ability to read and understand your opponent is very important in poker. To be able to read your opponents allows you to know what hole cards they are holding. Daniel Negreanu is one of the few i seen who is able to read his opponents card so well that it sometimes it's as if he has x ray vision.

There are a few ways to do to read your opponents. One way is to look for tells. Certain action that your opponent do when he is bluffing or has a good hand i.e talk alot or start looking away from the table.

Another way is betting pattern, some players like to raise pre flop when they are bluffing and slow play when they have big hands. The way they raise, check-raise, on the turn, on the river etc.

Sometimes its just experience that allows you to read your opponent. I am sure legends like Doyle Brunson don't even have to actively think about what to do anymore. It is all automated in his mind.

Application in life:

Interaction with friends, family and even strangers or aquaintance are part and parcel of life. The ability to understand and "read" your friends intention without them telling you straight in the face is an asset. The ability to size up someone you meet for the very first time is invaluable. From their body language, the way they speak, the questions they ask. It is sometimes enough to tell you more than what can be miscommunicated through words.

This ability will make you more than a million bucks if you are in sales or in business. The ability to to size up a prospect, and learning to speak his/her language in the first 5 minutes of interaction will help tremendously in closing the deal.

The way the prospect's eye drift towards when thinking can tell you if he is an audio or visual person. The speed of his speech can tell you if he is deliberate in his thoughts or doesn't care much for details. His sitting posture can tell you if he is wasting your time or interested.

This invaluable skill can be horned with experience with your daily dealing with people and playing Poker! So start playing poker right now. There are hundreds of free site on the internet offering free poker. The easiest way is to play on facebook. That way you can play and learn the game and lose zero money. Poker in its purest form is cash games. Only this way will you learn the game properly and seriously. Even Tournaments are not its purest form. We will talk about tournament plays in another entry. I will only say one last thing:

"Let's Shuffle up and Deal!!!"

You will never walk alone

2008-03-07T09:39:00.003+08:00

Was listening to Sarah Mclachlan's surfacing album again for the past 2 days. Every song is good. This is by far one of the best album i own. Especially like "Do what you have to do" and "Angel". Been in quite a melancholic mood lately, could be the weather, could be the haze. Could be chocolates i had yesterday during the photoshoot. I seriously don't care.

I thought the lyrics for Angel suits my mood these past few days.

"Spend all your time waiting For that second chance.

For a break that would make it okay

There's always some reason To feel not good enough.

And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction Or a beautiful release

Memories seep from my veins And may be empty Oh and weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight "

The surfacing of my flaws, my strengths and what is within me. Recently, i try to hold every thought that goes through my mind. Analysing them, why do i feel the way i feel. Why do i perceive certain things in certain light. You will be surprise how your mind tries to deceive you in certain ways sometimes.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Sometimes knowing what you want to do is not enough. It's the decision to want it, to do it that is paramount to the success of it.

Long time ago, a certain man caught the "Gold rush" fever in the west. He manage to find a Gold site and decided to spent his whole fortune buying the mining machine and paying miners to work for him to dig up all the gold. He thought to himself, this time i got it! Unfortunately, just after a few weeks of digging, the mine went dry. They didn't give up, and continued digging. After several weeks more of digging they still couldn't find the Gold Vein. The man decided to give up and cut his losses. He sold his machine to a man at the scrape yard and went his way. The man at the scrape yard thought to himself, since he has the machine he might as well give it a shot at digging up the gold.

He sought the help of professional surveyors to survey the mining site again. They discovered that the Gold vein was just 3 feet away from where they stopped digging! If only they have dug just 3 feet deeper... Of course the man went his way to start digging and dug his fortune out of the ground. Moral of the story? Do not give up easily, your Gold could be just 3 feet deeper. Also, seek professional help if needed. No man is an island, team effort yields greater and faster results.

The story doesn't end. Having found out about the good fortune of the man at the scrap yard. The man was even more determine to make his fortunes. Drawing strength from the last failure. He joined an insurance company selling insurance. Everytime a prospect says no to him, he remembered the Gold vein which was 3 feet away from where he stopped digging. Of all the cases he closed, more than 80% of the prospect initially said no to him. He sold million dollar polices and made it look easy. And he made his millions as well.

Moral of the story? You can fail as many times in life, but draw the painful lessons learnt and let it drive you on in life. Whatever you do in life.

It doesn't have to financially. Even in relationships. Work on it, don't just give up on it. Especially married couples. Trying to pick up a musical instrument? Don't give up on it after your fingers start feeling the pain from pressing the guitar strings.

There's always a reason to feel not good enough. But let it not stop you. Never let yourself tell you you are not good enough or inadequate. What is the worst that can happen if you fail?

This blog is meant for myself. Even as i type out every word. These are exactly what i am telling myself to do.

"Walk on, through the wind, Walk on, through the rain, Though your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,

And you'll never walk alone,You'll never walk alone. "

Waiting time versus wasting time

2008-03-05T17:41:00.002+08:00

I need to learn patience. I am someone who doesn't like to wait. Case in point, lunch time, good food means crowded. Not so good food, food served in less than 5 minutes. I will rather eat at the not so nice stall then choose the crowded bloody good food stall.

I think the year 2008 will be a very good year. It seems that God is teaching me many valuable lessons. About my finances, my career, my patience and more importantly not taking the people around me for granted.

I have been truly blessed with many good friends who cares for me. Recently i just heard from a friend that some of my ex colleagues were even asking about me if i were okay. Probably due to some of the facebook shout outs that i have been postings. It seems that my whole life i have been a pendulum. Swinging from one extreme to the other. I think i better stop swinging b4 i hit the big 3...

I am truly learning to wait, waiting on Him to show me more. I want to do more with my life, i ain't going to waste it staying in my comfort zone and waiting for my life to pass me by. God, don't let that happen to me.

A former manager from my work place years ago told me, if the cow doesn't want to drink there is no way you can force him to do so. I don't want to be that cow. Make me lie down in green pastures and lead me beside still waters, i am willing... i am willing.

Rahver unveiled

2008-02-22T15:20:00.007+08:00

Rahver, 28 years old, young, good looking, driven and drives a red car. If you are wondering if I am Rahver, i am not... Rahver is a fiction of someone's imagination.

Rahver is the imagination of a 7 year old girl (Freya is 7 right?) She has an imaginary boyfriend age 28 and drives a red car. I wonder if Rahver ever does grow old. Is he always 28? If he is, i will not qualify to be Rahver this year in April. I will be 29....

I can only imagine what kind of family background Rahver came from....

Rahver must be Australian, since Freya is living there. Since he is 28 years old and dating a 7 year old kid. I assume he must have had a really bad relationship previously.

I am guessing the previous girlfriend totally hurt him. Spat on him and step all over him with her stillettos. He was not only hurt emotionally by Miss Ex. but also physically abused. That explains why he wants to date someone who is of smaller built.

Rahver tries very hard... after the break up with Miss Ex. He wants to prove that he has the ability to move on and live a better life without her. He wanted to get a flashy red sports car but could only afford an old second hand car.

Okay, so Rahver looks like a kid. That also explains why Miss Ex. could easily step all over him and spit on him. So i wish Rahver and Freya the best in the future, apparently, age is not an issue to these 2 love birds. Probably they can marry each other when Freya is 18. Rahver will be 39 and look like a kid.

How far can you slide

2008-02-18T10:36:00.004+08:00

Call me a sadist. But its comforting to know that i am not the only one struggling with my spirituality. I have been a christian for 15 years now, i believe that there is no such thing as an on and off christian. Either you are or you are not. And if you are, God will always be in your life. Like it or not. I choose to like it.

It is liken to the fact that your parents will always be your parents, you are related by blood and that can never change. (Through Jesus' blood) And because you are related, your destiny will be very different fron the rest of the world who have never experience God before.

Your life will be shaped very differently. If you pay attention to what is happening around you, you will notice that there seemed to be someone bigger controlling your everyday situation be it your family life or your work life. In a very good way of course. But mind you not always in a way you think its good. Those who have truly experience God as a person and not as a religion will understand where i am coming from.

I have experience God in that way, but that didn't stop me from going out of my way to prove that there is a path beyond God. Subconsciously, i wanted to slide. I wanted to be someone i am not and then i succeeded. I became that person that i thought i was. Its wierd that the slide is so gradual that when you realise that you are at the bottom you just accept the fact that you are a backslidden christian. You admit and you don't hide it. In fact, you live with it.

I constantly struggle with my beliefs. To hold on to it or not. To give up or not. There are many things in my life that i have given up on. Battles i have quitted even before it was fought. But this is one battle i will not stop fighting. As much as i struggle, as much as i am torn apart within me. I will not give up without a fight. I will hold on, and i will not deny Him.

There are many wrong decisons that i have made in my life. Decisions that i know will always be regretted. But i know that the one decison that i made 15 years ago made all my wrong decisons right. All my bad decisons good. He right my wrong and made good my bad.

Folks, Its all about Him, its all about Jesus. Never for a moment think that its about you. The beauty of this is this, When its all about Him, It is actually all about you. There is no denying Him of His love for you.

I will not be perfect in my ways, but He will be Perfect in me. How far can you slide? You will be surprise to know that no matter how far you have slidden, He is still right beside you.

Tis the season to be lonely

2008-02-14T11:45:00.003+08:00

Ahhh... Valentine's day! A season to love and be loved. A time to show your love on this special day to show how deep your pockets are...

A bouquet of 36 Red roses----$355/-
A romantic ride on the Singapore Flyer----$399/-
Special V day package at the Ritz Carlton---$12,000/-

N0t having a date to spend the money on ---- priceless...
For anything else, there is a bunch of banana i can chew on at home.

Well not exactly priceless but a savings of $12,754/-
I like to look on the bright side.

Its strange that my horoscope says that my love life will be full of colour this year and it will be good to consumate my marriage this year. Not that i believe in horoscope but its interesting that it is mentioning things that are entirely not true. My love life is zero and as much as i want to do some consumation, there is no one to do it with. Anyone who wants to consumate with me do let me know... but i digress.

Happy V day to all the happy couples out there... break up and don't waste each other's time for all those not so happy couples out there! As Fish sings:"Fen Shou Kuai le"

Four weddings and no funeral please!

2008-02-05T10:08:00.000+08:00

2008 proves to be yet another year of many wedding bells ringing. My closer friends seem to be eagarly ringing the bell one by one. To date, i already know of 4 weddings that will be happening this year.

My dear friends, if you are contemplating to get married this year, don't! 4 weddings is as much as this guy can take for a year. That averages out to once every quarter. As much as i want to bear witness to the happiest day in your life, 4 weddings is alot. It is like a investing in a stock of a company and reading the financial report every quarterly. Only this company invites you for dinner and ask that you invest more in the form of Hong Bao! Okay, i am kidding, all the weddings that i will be invited to, i gladly give. I gladly sing too if you will have me.

So congrats to all my friends who are getting married, you know who you are. And those who are not getting married yet, you have more than a year to plan till 2009. Have your wedding dinner and photos taken at the new IR or something. Keep yourself occupied with F1 racing meanwhile. This town is getting hot and happening isn't it? So hold your horses guys and gals, keep the funerals at bay and leave the weddings till 2009.

What God put together let no man put asunder.

Stock take

2008-01-29T12:28:00.001+08:00

It is easier to count the material things you don't have in life then the things you have. So I have come up with a list of i don'ts:

1) I don't have an Audi TT for my car

2) I don't have a house in Bukit Timah Sixth avenue.

3) I don't have any money left in the bank at the end of every month.

4) I don't have a job that pays me obscene amount of money and 2 digit bonuses (at least 10 months) at the end of the year

5) I don't have a killer scupltured body that is the envy of all mankind.

I can continue the list till the list reaches 100, but i will not indulge myself. There are many things in life that you may lack.

Material lack is the absence of something. You will only lack when you have the knowledge of the "thing" in the first place. How much emotions will this item stir within you determine the so called "passion" you have to get it and that is the reason why passion differs from person to person.

So does lack create a desire or do your desires find a lack in your life? Its all about perception. Your perception becomes your reality. Yours alone. You shape the wants and desires in your life. What motivates you. What drives you. Some see money as the means to lead a good life and others see it as a means to get by and support their family. I see my Audi TT as a luxury but there may be someone out there who will die for it as it is beyond luxury but a sense of achievement.

So what shapes your perception? What goes in must come out. What you feed your mind will determine what will come out of it. Your wants, your ideas, your visions. So i say watch what you eat, and i mean both physically and mentally. Thats why the good book says, Faith comes from hearing and hearing the Word of God. And without faith it is impossible to please God. What are you feeding yourself today?

Keep it light hearted

2008-01-25T17:44:00.000+08:00

Just yesterday i was told by one of my friend to start blogging something more light hearted rather than expound on deep thoughts and irrational and disgusting human behaviour. Behaviours that are displayed by human specimens such as myself that seems unacceptable in her eyes.

Although she thinks that i am gay and full of myself, i shall comply and blog on more light hearted topics. She happens to be a long time friend of mine so i will not record her name in my little black book and reveal who she is ... oops did i just reveal her gender... oh and btw her name sounds like a genre of music.... no i don't have a friend name pop.... think Diana Krall. Yes yes and she has a stupid dog at home as well and she gets on everyones nerve once in a while. In fact she has 2 dogs...

Back to my point, let me try blogging about my day... hmmm lets see, i had a chicken leg for lunch covered with some herb sauce at ikea... i was having lunch with my twin sister and someone from the media. Very interestingly, she had a niece 5 years old who has an imaginary boyfren call Raver who is 28 years old and drives a light red car... its pretty weird for a kid to conjure up an imaginary boyfren like that don't you think. I had 2 cups of coffee with 2 packs of sugar. I didn't shop at Ikea after that and went straight to my appointment at Fullerton. The weather was hot with temperature at a high of 32 degress.

Light hearted enough.

Okay, lets face it. I can't blog light hearted stuff and i am not a blogger who blogs about my everyday life. Who needs to know anyway. In the famous words of Frank Sinatra... i did it my way!

The age of innocence

2008-01-12T09:22:00.000+08:00

At what age does the human heart become corrupted? How does one start to learnt about sex, lies and videotapes? There are various sources now that allows the human mind to see things that ten years ago does not exist. You can almost find anything on the internet nowadays, paid or not.
Let's pick a sensitive topic, Sex for example.

*Disclaimer: Although what i am about to say is highly educational, but if you are 18years and below. Please refrain from reading on.

How does a kid in Singapore find out about sex? I don't think they teach about the birds and the bees in schools. Correct me if i 'm wrong. For a guy, sex education is not an issue. Our "curiosity" aka hormones will drive us to find out all about these "birds" and "bees". In fact, we take it a step further, we will even explore the size in different scenarios and positions... you get the picture.

Now comes the question, how do the girls find out about sex? Is it through the guys that the girls find out? Or do girls just sit in circle during a slumber party and start to show each other their body parts for the sake of discussion? No, wait... thats a scene from some movie i saw last night on my computer...

What prompted me to question is the fact that i had a very interesting conversation with a couple of my friends about self pleasuring for girls. Don't ask me how the conversation got to that, and no we were not high.

Interesting enough, one of my friend have not even seen an explicit sex scene (aka soft/hardcore porn) until recently, and she was totally turn off by it. The other friend was actually turn off by the fact that women actually pleasure themselves with tools or no tools. I know it sounds totally wrong, but i tried to convince them that it is totally normal and it is pleasurable for women most of the time. Not that i want them to learnt it from me...

Both of them were not convinced. One of them even swear that if their husband in the future (now boyfriend) try to stick anything in them after they are married, they will surely find their body parts missing while they are asleep.

Although it seems unbelievable that alot of girls are not sex educated, not that i have an advance degree in sex education to begin with, but i think its true.

It seems that no one talks about it. Come to think of it, maybe its better this way, what you don't know, wouldn't hurt you, literally. I am actually proud of my 2 friends, thay have maintain their innocence in this area, and the men who will marry them in the future are truly blessed. I have two word of advice for these guys though... Metal Underwear!

Enough is enough!

2008-01-08T15:30:00.000+08:00

Satisfaction in life comes in many shape and form. Most of the time, we feel that nothing is enough in life. You realise that you don't have enough in the bank. You realise that you are always hungry and never enough to eat (i speak only for myself) A car is not enough, you need a super car. A HDB flat is not enough, you need one of those houses in Bukit Timah, those fully detached ones.

The culture we live in has evolved over the years. Our society teaches us that we have to have that drive and hunger to want "it". Anything less than that is a laid back attitude that shouldn't be advocated. We learn to push ourselves hard and achieve. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with that, infact that attitude is the right attitude if that is what you want out of life.

The fact of the matter is, if "it" is what you want. Go all out and achieve "it". Whatever "it" means to you. The most important thing is that "it" has to be what you truly want and not what society imposes on you. Everybody wants to be rich. Well, most people i know wouldn't mind that. But how many people actually really want to be rich.

If money doesn't motivate you enough to do something about it, being rich is not what you really want. The question to ask yourself is, how badly do you want that money in the bank. The answer is not as straight forward as you think it is. We want what money can buy us and not money itself. Money is a means to an end and not the end itself.

We have been educated since young (at least i have) that money can get you many things if not everything. My mother always taught me that i should concentrate on earning money, lots of it before thinking about girlfriend or getting married etc. Once i have that in place girls will flock to me. (That's what she taught me, she also taught me that i need to learn how to drink and gamble) Although there is some truth in it but is that what you really want? The answer once again is not as straightforward as you think it is. Money does provide certain sense of security but it cannot be everything.

Truth be told, everyone don't mind the money but majority wouldn't break their back trying. Money is just a case in point. It could be career advancement that motivates you. You spent your 24/7 to get into a position of power, some are motivated by family. As long as the family is taken care of, they will go all out to ensure that.

With that in mind, know what motivates you. Use that to be a better person. Make a difference in the lives of the people around you. I am still looking for that something that drives me. All is unclear and i seem to be looking through a dim glass but i am sure it will be clear very soon. Sooner than i think it will be.

Top 10 Resolutions for 2008

2008-01-02T14:48:00.000+08:00

i figured, heck why not... the challenge is when will these resolutions come undone:

1. Quit Drinking. (Maybe a little occasionally, if its worth it.)
2. Quit Gambling. (Lets wait and see after CNY)
3. Quit Procrastinating. (It took me 3 days after NY2008 to come up with list, not too bad by
my standards)
4. Lose the 10 kg of weight gained in 2007.
5. Pass my IPPT in April and maintain at least silver award level of fitness.
6. Clear all debts by end 2008.
7. Spend more time with Mum.
8. Spend time with friends that matters and not being a man whore.
9. Attend church every week and being an hour late doesn't count as attending.
10. Start serving in the church.

There you go, easy and painless. Next list: Top 10 broken 2008 resolutions... coming to a blog near you.

Thankfulness

2007-11-29T13:23:00.000+08:00

Many a times in life you are so caught up with your own life that you actually miss the whole idea of living your own life. I am someone who tends to find the little black holes in life and dive head in. Sometimes its not the big events in life that trips you up.

For me its the little things, its the underachievements, the feeling that you could have done more but you didn't. The thing is this, while you are pondering over what you could have done, you have actually lost more time not doing the things you should do.

There are 2 voices in my head. One says :"Stop bitching about it and do it! Even if you fail, you have actually done something!" Another voice goes:"Why try so hard, be contented with life as it is. Life is like that, life is such, its too late anyway."

Sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me? It is not that i don't work hard or know what needs to be done with my life. It is as if there is this invisible wall that i keep running into, an inertial that stops me right in my track when i want to build up momentum.

Distractions. Many distractions. I always thought that i am someone who values time alone. But its weird that i hardly have any alone time nowadays. I can start the week with nothing to do after work and suddenly, by sunday night, i already pack 5 out of 7 days of the following week. Like i kept telling Ruth that i want to go out less often, spend more time with my mum at home, but it never happens.

Looking at my life, i should actually be thankful. I am thankful that i grew up in church since my teenage years. It taught me many valuable lessons, values and no matter how screwed up my life can be now. The foundation is already there. No matter how hard i struggle it has been cast in stone.

I am thankful that i have many friends who cares for me. Who bothers to even ask me if i am okay despite their own struggles in life.
I am thankful that i have put on 10 kg of weight for the past 2 years and not 20 kg!
I am thankful that i still have a job that allows me to pay my bill.
I am thankful that i still have my family around me.
I am thankful that my conscience is clear and i have not done anything to anyone or stabbed anyones back. Even as i write this i am looking at all the daggers behind my back.
I am thankful that though i am slightly overweight, i am healthy.
I am thankful that i have very good friends which i am very sure will be there for me to help if i ask them for help.
I am thankful that i can sleep soundly at night.
I am thankful that my body is whole.
I am thankful, truely thankful.

枫

2007-11-19T09:24:00.000+08:00

乌云在我们心里搁下一块阴影
我聆听沉寂已久的心情
清晰透明就像美丽的风景
总在回忆里才看的清
被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过
**********************
缓缓掉落的枫叶像思念
我点燃烛火温暖岁末的秋天
极光掠过天边
北风掠过想你的容颜
我把爱烧成了落叶
却换不回熟悉的那张脸
缓缓掉落的枫叶像思念
为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前
爱你穿越时间
两行来自秋末的眼泪
让爱渗透了地面
我要的只是你在我身边
**********************
被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过
在山腰间飘逸的红雨
随著北风凋零我轻轻摇曳风铃
想唤醒被遗弃的爱情
雪花已铺满了地
深怕窗外枫叶已结成冰

Music... its a wonderful thing

2007-11-15T09:47:00.000+08:00

I have always love music. From just listening to singing or even performing a song during my friend's weddings. I always wondered how did it all started? How did my interest become a love. First and foremost, I love singing and there is no denying that. Somethings i can be caught walking down Orchard road singing a song out loud unknowingly. Ask some of my friends and they will be too embarassed to even recall those times.

These days, it gets better because the chances of me walking down Orchard road is lesser and i drive around. Nevertheless, singing in the car has its hazard for me and especially for other road users. Sometimes when i get into the emotions of the song, i get pretty worked up and yes i sing out loud in the car. I tend to slow down unknowingly when i am singing a sad love song. I speed up when i listen to something upbeat. Cars beside me also tend to slow down cuz they are looking at me from their seats and wondering WTF is this guy doing. And yes my face reflects the emotions of the song as well and when i mean sing, i perform the song. I will charge concert tickets for driving beside me next time.

The first song i ever remember were in the 80s where there were all these Hk Kungfu serials like Tian Long Ba bu, Sheng Diao Xia Lu and even Singapore serials like Xiao Fei Yu, Mist lock Nanyang. These songs are all classics now. I learnt to sing all those songs when i was young. Also, not forgetting all the vocal warm up i do in school every morning singing the national Anthem and hymnals from my little red song book. And yes, you guess it again, i am that itrritating classmate that sings the loudest during morning assembly. No problem in getting my class to sing in the morning, the problem is lowering the volume.

I remember there was once the whole school was assembled in the school hall after the exams and the teachers had trouble thinking of what to do with us to kill time. One of the teacher dared me to go up to the stage infront of the whole school to sing a song thinking that no one will ever embarass themselves on stage. He was wrong! I didn't just sing the song, i performed the song and had actions all the way through the song with the help of some innocent classmates who did back up beside me. The whole school laugh till their sides split, and i have just confirm myself not just a the class clown but the school clown. Not something i should be proud of really. But on hindsight, i can truly say those were the days.

This is what music can do. Music evokes emotion not just by the lyrical meaning of the song. It can be just music without lyrics and you can still be sitting there quietly crying your heart out. Music can sometimes be a key that unlocks certain memories that you thought were no longer there. Certain song bears different meaning to different people. Music is so powerful that it is used in worship in church. Beat that!

All in all, music to me is a form of communication. I can talk to my friend using the lyrics and title of songs the whole day and i will atill make sense. I can just sing what i want to say if i want to, it is irritating but it still works.

I am a peacock and i am proud of it

2007-11-13T09:42:00.000+08:00

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Peacock? The 3rd definition of Peacock on Dictionary.com defines it as a a "vain, self-conscious person." Hmmm... sounds like anyone you know?

Peacock are showy by nature, but i think the definition on dictionary.com is unfair to the peacock. (I am personifying here) The thing is, we don't always want to show and spread our tail feathers and yes i am a peacock and i am proud of it!

We the peacocks are not vain, maybe self conscious but definitely not vain. We carefully pick our timing and ocassions to be showy. This is good because no matter how good you are if you keep showing off your ass, not only will people not be impress but pissed most of the time.

So my good looking bunch of friends, listen to me. I don't want to name names but Gin listen to me: no matter how pretty or good looking you think you are or even how "can make it (A sai)" and talented you think you are, pick and choose the appropriate times to show off in the most unobviously obvious way. People will be irritated and aggitated if you keep sticking your ass feathers in their face all the time. I am sure many of you can relate to people you know who are ill behaved like that, ass feather and all.

So my friends, recognize the fact that you are a peacock and be proud of it. But then again if you are a peacock you wouldn't have a problem being proud. As the saying goes:"Be as proud as a peacock, just don't be a cock!"

New lease of blog

2007-11-07T11:34:00.000+08:00

Just transferred all my postings from my friendster blog over to blogspot. Think this will be a better place to host my blogs from now on. Hopefully this will also mark a new beginning in my life as well. Makes me feel like an Indian though, since Deepavali is just tomorrow, Isn't Deepavali kindof like New Year for Indians. (Lunar new yr for chinese, Hari Raya for Muslims? Duh!) New Year new beginning?!?!

So many things has been happening that makes me feel like my life is spiralling out of control. My family, my work, my personal life. My decision to stay put in Singapore and not move to Macau has many implications which i shall not go into details in such a public blog. My Mother's health is one of the factor that made up my mind.

I have spoken to many close friends about my situation and why i have come to such a decision. The thing about sharing and asking for opinions is that everyone has their own point of view and different experiences that makes them come to their own conclusion. What you have to do is to flilter such "advices" and extract the crux of it and come to your own conclusion. Most important of all, make a decision.

To come to a decision you will need to visualise the end result in your mind (ala 7 habits of highly effective people) Once you know you can live with the result, balancing all the pros and cons, risk and rewards, put your foot down and say, i have decided and this is what i want to do. Mind you, this will not be easy to do, that is being unwaivering in your decision. Many people will start telling you their point of views and why you shouldn't do this and why shouldn't do that. At one point i was very sure that i was going to Macau for at least 1 year. Look at me now, i am very sure that i am not moving to Macau, but this time i have very substantial reasons why i am not moving there.

I never knew myself as much as i have in the past year. All the experiences i have garnered was all worth the sacrifices and shit i went through. I realise what i can do and what i cannot do. I realise what i can excel in and what i can do just averagely. I understand what is most important to me versus what is just good for me. My weaknesses versus my strengths. My confidence versus the lack of self esteem. How i view myself and how others view me. This wilderness experience has taken me walking round and round for too long. I have been in the wilderness for more than 10 years now. God, isn't it time to move into the promise land?!?

"'I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!'"

Whats' love got to do with it?

2007-10-26T01:40:00.000+08:00

Recently i had a very interesting conversation with a friend about breakups. It got me thinking about how okay is it to be still friends with your ex. after the breakup? Isn't it a little weird that someone who use to be so close to you suddenly becomes just a friend?
I use to be a firm believer that it is possible. Not anymore actually, it actually feels kind of strange to see your ex. as a friend. Especially seeing your ex. with someone new. It feels like listening to your own voice after recording it, damn bloody stupid and weird!
I mean i am happy that she has moved on but it feels very uncomfortable. Imagine meeting both of them and having to small talk. The conversation might go something like "Hey how are you?" "Great we are doing fine?" You carefully avoid topics that will reveal you were once close, so you moved on to very generic questions about work? recreational topics etc. How painful is that? Its like sitting through dinner with fear factor on tv, bull testicles in your face and pig urine poured over your head. Totally nauseating.
Btw i am imagining all this in my head, not that all these things actually happened. I could do what my friend did which was to totally shut the person out of her life and just remain as "hi and bye" friends (which means you are actually not a friend), block her out of msn and avoid places that you know she will be there.
I was thinking that i might be sub consiously doing all these things. Actually it started off with me trying to find her as i was not not over the relationship myself. Then as time goes by, with my friends making it easier for me to get over it. i started to avoid going to places she goes to, meeting with mutual friends. All these i learn only on hindsight.
Well i think generally life has been good to me still. Although my life is not perfect, i wish i have been attending church more regularly, my current credit card bills are at a "too high" level, while my pay is not. My investments are doing badly... my cherry QQ has been throwing tantrums and cost me a mini fortune to make him happy again.
Through it all, i am just glad that i have friends around me who have shown support whenever they can, keeping me company and most importantly their life sucks just like mine! Rawt Onnnn!!!! The imperfection of life is perfect for living! Most importantly, His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses!

Don't just bitch about it

2007-10-23T18:59:00.000+08:00

The typical Singaporean trait that we've all grown to accept are characteristics like Kiasu, Kiasee, kia this and kia that. We bitch about how S'porean drivers don't signal when they change lane, don't give way to others, horn at almost anything that moves (or don't move). We bitch about how S'porean's complain about the government, about raising taxes, bus fares and petrol prices.
Notice that when we say "typical Singaporeans" we mean the other Singaporeans, its never "us". It's the "others".... Wooooo spooky. Who are these others??? Are you Singaporean???
These same Singaporeans that cut your lane, speed up when you are signalling to change lane could be doing the same thing complaining to their friend about the driver who signal for the longest time but didn't change lane, "Kayu driver", they bitched.
"Why do you see the speck of dust in your brother's eye and not the plank in your own eyes?". This was what my secondary school teacher tried to impart to my class more than a decade ago. Weird that i still remember what she said but not how she looked like.
I think its right that we bitched about certain things. The rule is that only bitch about things you are sure you don't commit yourself. If you do the same things and bitch about others you are classified as hypocritical. Its like my last trip to Macau, when "some people" cut my queue and started to shout at others who cut the queues after them. It is as if they have the first right of refusal, first to cut the queues have the first rights and "nope, one cut per queue only". Find your own queue to cut somewhere else.
I am also guilty of bitching and guilty of not giving way to other drivers sometime. When i am told to buy 2 bottle of drinks for a house party, i buy 4 bottles (Kia-su) When i received a parking fine reminder (red colour) i immediately write in to appeal my fine (Kia-see). When i was taken a longer route by the taxi driver and was charge 50 cents more than the usual fare, i refused to pay extra. (Kia- taken advantage of)
The Singapore government should make my Car the official car for Singapore since our neighbour up north has their own car as well. Guess what car i am driving? Make an intelligent guess...

Closet Paris Fan

2007-09-25T18:41:00.000+08:00

I just realise that by posting this i am no longer a "closet" Paris Fan. Heck... might as well just come out of the closet and declare to the world that i am. The next time i am going to K Garden in Serangoon Gardens i will sing Stars are blind. Mind you, i can sing in a falsetto pretty well and put many girls to shame. Then again i shouldn't be proud of this at all. As it is, many who don't know me are already wondering if i belong to the clubs along tanjong pagar. Arrghhhh!!! Screw sexual identity!
Back to the Heiress. I think there are many things we can learn from this seemingly dumb blond. For starters, i am beginning to suspect that she leaked her sex tape out on purpose. She is probably sitting in a board room now surrounded by her advisers plotting her next move to bring her to legendary dumb blond status.
She has the drive to succeed no matter what the circumstances. She wasn't the least affected by the sex tape saga and rode on it like an expert sufer and propelled herself from socialite status to international celebrity almost overnight. Everyone was ogling Paris... i mean googling Paris Hilton on the internet for whatever reason they may have... (Think Tammy from some polytechnic, its incredible how the video clip find its way to so many handphones in Singapore)
Paris does not have a voice like Kelly Clarkson but she does have a good tone. She doesn't mind the dumb blond label and rode with it in "reality" shows like the simple life. (Not much of reality in that show if you ask me, no way they will act the way they did without the cameras) She sings and act like her on screen persona, and i doubt that is the real Paris. Smart lass if you ask me. She really does know how to run a business, in this case Paris Hilton Limited. Fragrance line, get out of prison outfit, Paris is as good as it gets when you think Hollywood!
I am adding this to my to do list before i die... Meet Paris in person. I will really like to talk to her and know her as a person. Maybe she will impart some of her business acumens to me and i will be Singapore's next top entrepreneur and market myself worldwide. Think i should dye my hair blond for a start and start living my not so simple life.

What matters most

2007-08-25T08:16:00.000+08:00

This week wasn't a great week for me. My mother had to be rush into A & E as she had difficulty breathing. Chronic Bronchitis the doctor diagnose.
it was tuesday morning when my mother started complaining about her difficulty in breathing, I had to take urgent leave to bring her to the clinic where the doctor gave her oxygen and some medication. I had to stay home to make sure she is fine, i just can't leave her home alone. I had to check up on her every 15 minutes just to make sure she was fine. By evening she recovered and had no problem with breathing anymore.
The shock came the next morning when i saw my mother sitting on the couch breathing heavily her face pale like a sheet of paper. Apparently she has already told my dad that she needs to go to the hospital but my Dad was still bathing and doing his morning routine in the morning. WTF!!! I immediately change and took my mother's IC and drove all the way to TTSH A & E. Had to take the road shoulder as the CTE was jam pack! I will buy a siren next time and fix it on top of my car, this way everyone will know its an emergency.
By the time we reached the hospital, she had to be send into the resusitation room to be resusitated! This plump male nurse was reprimanding me for not calling the ambulance to send her to the hospital earlier. I didn't want explain myself as this was the fastest way rather than waiting for an ambulance to come to send her to the hospital. I wondered if i have taken the same attitude as my dad did, would my mother have survived? The only thing i knew to do was to message some of my friends to pray for her. I was at a lost as this was out of my control already...
By the time the doctor update us of her condition, my Dad has just reached the hospital. Thank God it was good news! They managed to resusitate my mother and she only had to stay in the hospital for observation for a few days.
After talking to the doctor, he confirmed it was the smoking that cause her breathing difficulty. You see my friends, the smoking over the 60 years has caused her lungs to be already seriously damaged. Any slight change of weather that caused her to have a small cough will multiply the seriousness ten fold, twenty folds, hundred folds! Chronic bronchitis... there is no cure... you can only stop it from growing any worse.
To all my friends who are smoking, you are young and you don't see the effect of the smoking but just give yourself another 5 years, 10 years, see if it smoking will finally catch up with you? My mother felt that she didn't mind the health damage from smoking but i really want to tell her its not just about the pain she caused herself but its also the pain she cause the rest of the family members to see her suffering like that.
What matters most in life? Getting that pay raise? Getting the satisfaction of advancing in your career? Living and enjoying life to the fullest? Just spend a morning at the hospital's A&E. It may just change some priorities in your life. Suddenly, everything seems so unimportant when you realise you are on the verge of losing an important part of yor life. To me, that would be my mother. I cannot even contemplate in my mind the thought of losing her.
To quit smoking is tough. To see the need to quit is even tougher. Once there is a reason, a need to do so, it will be much easier. To my mother, her reason to quit is probably not to experience that morning again. I hope it is burn deep in her memories.
What really matters, will really matter to you, no excuses and u don't have to give any reasons.

Hk and Macau my second home for now

2007-08-17T06:50:00.000+08:00

As i am writing my blog, i am in my room in Langham Place hotel in Mongkok. Due to my new job, i have been travelling to these 2 places very regularly. 2 more visits to HK and i can apply for a Hk frequent visitor card! Mong kok happens to be my favorite place to go when i visit HK. The streets are just so alive!
My view on the 29th floor:

The great thing is about Hk is that even during weekdays the streets are still full of life at 11pm. Don't they have to work the next day?

Taking the MTR can be such a joy as well. Except in the mornig rush hour... but i must commend the fact that they actually employ traffic marshals to ursher the passengers like sheeps to a slaughter into the train.
The pace of Macau is very slow compared to Hk or S'pore. you can sense that the people there is not in any hurry to go anywhere. What do you expect with a population of only half a million.
Well, guess i will be coming back to Singapore this sat 18th August. And the next week i will be back again. Its a good thing i love Hk and Macau. See all friends soon.

The Art of Failing

2007-06-15T21:30:00.000+08:00

Nobody likes to fail. Everybody i know strives to do well in life. In their career, family relationships and even getting front row seats at Christina Aguilera's concert. I wil have it! I must have it! i will beg borrow and steal to get it! Well i must add that i am fan but not to that extreme.
My recent failure came in the form of failling my 2.4km run in IPPT. (See how i mentioned that i failed my 2.4km run only but not that i failed my IPPT on a whole. This way i am assured that people know that i pass the rest of the stations. Not everyone takes failure very lightly.)
I have not failed my IPPT ever since i pass out from BMT mind you. It struck me harder than i thought it would. I felt like i was trash and rubbish for having failed my IPPT.
Nevertheless, it was a wake up call. A call to action to regain my fitness. A call to take control of my discipline level. A lesson that should have stuck with me after the rigorous training in OCS. It is strange that i only grown to appreciate such training on hindsight. As much as i don't want to admit it, it did me good. It push my threshold for pain further than i thought i could acheive.
Through the failure of my 2.4km run and only my 2.4 km run, i've come to realised that failing is probably an art. Something that not many will learn to appreciate and appeals to different likings.
It is perhaps an acquired taste that not all connoisseurs would grow to love. It is like Smelly fried bean curd and Paris Hilton's song, something that you know you shouldn't like because it stinks and everybody agrees but deep down you like it.
Not that you want to fail and fail again, but you actually grow to accept it as part of life and move on with the newly acquired lessons learnt.
Failure gives you reason not to fail again. When you fail again it gives you more reason to push yourself further. Many people in life have tasted failure and never wanted to go near failure ever again. That's a total mistake! It should push you further. It should be like cold calling, you are afraid the first time second time and even the third time, but as you do it long enough you become accustomed to it and you actually fail less after that.
Not that i have lots of experience on failing but i am actually learning this fine art of failing in my life now. I will always fail in areas in my life, but the most important thing of all is to learn to fail so that you succeed .

The pursuit of Happyness

2007-06-12T19:28:00.000+08:00

What defines Happiness? Who decides who is happy and who is not? Happiness means different things to different people. To a mother, it may be seeing her child grow up strong and healthy. To a Son to see his mother and father enjoying each others compnay even in old age.
The truly weird thing about happiness is the fact that most of us think we know what will make us truly happy, but the fact of the matter is... we don't.
To me, happiness is not earned but rather given. Most of the time it is the smallest and most insignificant things in your life that truly makes you feel that you are living in happiness.
Happiness catches you in the most unexpected way, u could be down and out in your work life or in relationship but when you stop pursuing your definition of happiness and let go just for one second. Suddenly you will start to realise that happiness starts pursuing you. Impossible as it may sound but it happens.
My definition of happiness would be that i will have enough money to allow me to stop working for the rest of my life and pursue what i always want to do that i have no money and no time for. Then you hear stories of people who have achieved that and can't wait to work again simply because their life got too mono and too boring. What gives?
Life is like dancing they say, you take a step forward and you may take one or two steps backwards. Ultimately, you end up where you started.
If there is a conclusion that i want to put to this post is that, be happy and when things don't turn out the way you think they should, don't fret, let go. Let happiness pursue you. Being happy could be sharing a drink or two with good friends and good company at fashion bar :) or even a good movie that makes you laugh and cry at the same time. Savour that moment when it comes but learn to let it go to welcome that next moment.

The Bund

2007-06-05T06:02:00.000+08:00

6 days in Shanghai, 3 days of preparations, 3 days of exhibition. Preparations includes sitting in a fancy bar on the 6th floor on the Bund overlooking the night scenery better known as "Ye Shanghai." This is to prepare the mind, give it some rest and you will have less stress.
Sitting there overhearing the many different travellers (Japanese, French, Germans etc.)who had stumbled into the same bar as i had made, wonder about the possibilities of travelling to the many other cities in the world. New York? Paris? Moscow? Tokyo? I'd love to travel more. In fact, i want to!
It is tiring to travel. Long hours in the plane, watching movies after movies, plastic cups of orange juice after orange juice. Especially when you are travelling to work, work will always be at the back of your mind even when you are enjoying your "Xi Li" (Heineken in Chinese) At this part i just got to credit mention Jacintha for handling most of the details of the trip. Without you, this trip would not have been a success. You go girl!
Sitting there overlooking the Whampoa river, reminded me of the Singapore river, somehow... The Singapore river is tiny compared to this one!
Well, if its any consolation, the whampoa we have in Singapore serves much better food then they have in Shanghai. Do not try the Hainanese chicken rice that they serve in the restaurants, i repeat... no i warn thee, DO NOT TRY! It is not even close. It is like they are trying to copy what we have in Singapore and duplicating it in the most horrible way ever. Period.
Piracy is pretty bad in Shanghai, they are selling the Channels and the Yang Siao Lings like nobody's business. They have shops that share similar colours and name like the real brands. Let me quote you an example, they have the brand Crocodile in Shanghai, a few steps down the same road after the authentic Crocodile boutique, you walk past another shop called "Clio codile" Same colour but with a more animated croc. Its pretty ridiculous but hilarious at the same time.
There are many toilets in Shanghai, the best part is the fact that they bothered to build many "toilet buildings" every 5-10 minutes of walking. I would have taken a picture of the toilet if it weren't for the fact that i was too worried that i would be mistaken as a voyeur if i stood too close to take a picture outside the toilet. Instead i took a picture of the map!
There were things during the trip that reminded me of my shortcomings. It is a resurfacing rther than new lessons. Guess i never really learnt my lessons well. All in all, Shanghai has been alright.

Top Ten Favourite things to do

2007-05-21T04:21:00.000+08:00

10. Laze around at home without a care in the world.
9. Spending time with Michelle in Singapore. (Too many paparazzis in Hk.)
8. Singing duet with Faye. (Her Hubby doesn't like it though)
7. Spending time at Central Perk bitching about Rachel and Ross with Joey.
6. Flying around in John's plane. Not forgetting about enjoying Kelly's cooking as well.
5. Partying with Paris and gang. (Might have to find new party frens since she is going into the slammer)
4. Helping Angie to adopt her next child. (Brad doesn't really like the idea of another one.)
3. Playing sunday football with Stevie and Jamie when they don't have matches.
2. Spending my saturday evening lost in translation with Scarlett and winning precious Match points playing tennis with her.
1. Sitting infront of my lap top in a delusional state and coming up with fantasy top ten list.

My Comfort of letting go

2007-04-21T13:58:00.000+08:00

It's been five years since my first job, a sales job. Not knowing what was in store for me, i took up the challenge of a sales job. It was one of the best thing that happened in my life!
Ever since then, i have been selling and accumulating experience in this field. Why a sales job, you may ask? It gives you the freedom, you are not desk bound, you earn more than a regular 9-5 job, its the best job in the world :)
I take pride in the fact that i am not just selling to my clients. Not just achieving a number or a value on my score card, i take pride in knowing my clients and converting many of them into friends in the course of a working relationship. That has become a motivation for me and a reason for me to work.
I value all the relationships that were built with clients and colleagues alike. This is the main reason why it's painful to leave where i am now. I have to learn to let go or i will never know the best of my abilities. I have to stretch myself and take comfort in losing the shoreline.
I think the sales team we have now is fantastic, a few tweaking here and there and in no time all the publications will be no.1 in Singapore.
I believe tweaking should include the new "shareholder" commission scheme that was introduced not too long ago. As its name suggest, this new scheme will benefit the shareholder's interest as company profit will increase. My advice, start investing in our company's stock!
In a nutshell, this new scheme doesn't make any bloody sense to me, all the sales people are forced to go at each other's throat to meet their individual target.
I suggest that we set up a boxing ring in front of Alice's office, any conflict of interest between sales colleagues will be settled by good old fashion cat/dog fights, bitting and scratching allowed. Kicking in the nuts is also allowed, but it can only be done to 2 limited number of person now that i am gone.
Fiona Ong can be the empire while Yan Ling can ring the bell. Commentary will be provided by the B & P team, Gin, Nic and Vick can take turns (i foresee many disputes that needs to be settled) We will leave VIP front row seats for CEO, COO and MD. Wait... we can sell tickets as well! That way the ticket sales can be split among the sales team since commissions are not forthcoming. One stone, two bloody birds! Am i a genius or what?
Disclaimer: The above does not represent the writer's actual views and beliefs. The writer absolutely loves and simply adores the way the whole company sets its policies. The above could be written in unexplained madness or the writer could be in a state of perpetual disillusion that by writing the above, he can change the minds of bureaucrats.
*Fellow colleagues please don't dua me and show this to Ceo or MD hoh? Don't send any links to anyone, top secret!

The ability of inability

2007-03-29T10:38:00.000+08:00

Ever wondered why the life that others live always seem better? Everyone else seem to have direction and goals in life except you? Their life seems so fulfilling, so many things to do, so little time. They've got it made!
What do people do in their spare time anyway. Then again, everyone tells me how busy they are and have no time to spare.
You rarely hear people say that they are not busy. It makes sense actually, nobody wants people to know that they have lots of time on their hands. You make sure that you mess up your desk and make it look bloody messy. Better to be known as disorganize than to be known as a do nothing. (a.k.a zho bo)
In this day and age, nobody is ever free. Nobody ever has time.
Time is short, days are getting shorter, by the minutes, by the seconds. One fine day, we will wake up and realise that there is no longer any sense of destiny in our lives anymore.
We are no longer born for greatness, the childlikeness in us that believes that we were born for a divine purpose slowly fades away and you are left with a sense of inability. You are face with this new ability of inability. You have woken up to all your inadequacies, you have fallen short, what do you do next? Resign to mediocrity? Or do you hold on to your beliefs?
Probe further and you will be faced with more questions than answers. I am going down this path right now.
I believe that each one of us has a destiny to make a difference in the lives of the people around us. Our thoughts and actions influences the people we are in contact with. You are as great as you can be to the person next to you, to the people who knows you.
I want to embrace my inabilities. I want to know that no one is without inadequacies or insecurities. In simple terms, i want to be as human as i can be.
Please forgive my humanity. I will do wrong and i will continue to do so. And i will always need forgiveness. So forgive me for i know not what i do. I know not what i ask for.

Can someone pass me a microphone?

2007-01-08T08:34:00.000+08:00

If i have a choice between singing for a living or doing what i am doing now, i would sing, damn i would sing. I know that i am not much of a performer to begin with but i can hold a tune pretty confidently and pretty well.
Well the next question is why not? I mean, i love singing, i wouldn't miss a K session if my friends invite. Let me give you some scenarios:
1.Choice between mahjong session or K session? I will choose K!
2.Choice between late night supper or late night k session? k session! (Friends please org more k session so i will have less suppers please... arrrggghhh!!! I will now type faster to loose some fats around my fingers...)
3. Choice between a date with someone i fancy or K session? I will choose going to k session with date :) sigh...If only life is so simple
I wouldn't exactly say i am passionate about singing but i like singing. Its like how i started singing in Church and i don't mind serving sundays after sundays as long as i sing every week.
I think in reality, you can hardly earn a decent living as a singer alone. I am not talking about the famous ones. I am talking your pub singers, seventh month chopstick sisters or fork and spoon brothers or what have you. It can be an after 6 job but not really full time i would think.
So I guess meanwhile i will have to stick with singing your song on the roof top, giving you the most precious a red rose and maybe even singing a sad fairy tale song while playing the piano. (Only veteran K singers need understand the above mentioned)
My vocal cords are getting itchy, very itchy.... that explains why i have been breaking into songs in the office lately. I will suggest to Serene tomorrow about installing a sound system in the office. Every table will have a micophone and a small screen. Everyone will have their chance to sing after dedicating their songs. (Fiona Ong will collect the slips of paper from every table)
After every song The small screen will indicate the next singer and table, "Next song: Table beside Fion at kowloon." (Our working areas are named after streets in Hk)
That way, Annie can sing her songs and dance to it at the same time! I must add that she can dance pretty well.
Then i can have my chance to sing without all the complains from my neighbouring colleagues.
" Uh...Don't touch my mic, its my personal one, thanks."

Ask for directions

2006-12-03T09:31:00.000+08:00

Many times at different juncture of my life i wonder where the hell is my life heading. I believe i'm not alone. You may wonder if you are working in the right industry? Am i getting the right pay? Am i heading anywhere with this dead end job? Am i with the right person in the relationship?
Recently, i started attending TCC in hope of finding that passion for life again. Its too early to tell though. I was glad that i managed to find some old friends in TCC. I actually just drove myself to the church and attended their service without knowing anyone there. May this be a good beginning.
Sundays are now merely a get together with friends at faith. Its been this way for weeks. Hanging out with the church guys. Visited Expo today for the JL Expo sale, Big Boyz Toyz and the lousy digital fair. Took us 45 mins just to drive into the carpark! Apparently that was not enough and we had to visit Ikea after that. It took us another half and hour to find the location.
I have to learn to ask for directions, it just make things so much easier. Its a good thing one of Emma's friend knew where Ikea was. Glad she had the cow sense to ask for directions.
I have got to get myself one of those Mentor they always mention in books that i've read. That would have probably saved me alot of "accused" road that i have wandered. That would have given me a pretty good road map to life.

The Simple life

2006-11-18T12:42:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered, when did life starts to be so complicated? No matter what a bitch life was, when you were in your teens, it was straight forward and simple. Well at least for me it was.
As you hit your mid 20s, you kind of hit your quarter life and life takes a turn for disaster. Suddenly, you start worrying about your job, family, your faith and especially relationships.
You hear alot about failed and failing marriages. Infidelity of either spouse in marriage, and mind you unfaithfulness in marriage is not the sole privilege of man anymore. Does it not make you wonder why bother with marriage in the first place?
I would like to believe that the constitution of marriage means something and not really just a piece of legal binding certificate. Or just a sad excuse for either spouse to get paid alimony. (Think Britney and what's that loser's name? Kevin loserline or something something)
Being in church half my life has its pros and cons. A part of me still believes in the goodness of men. but a bigger part of me has already learnt the sadness of men. (aka reality, ain't it a bloody, F***ing bitch that bites you in your arse when you least expected)
Maybe that's the reason i still go to church. I find solace, a glimmer of hope perhaps. People in church still tries to be nice most of the time. Especially in my church, u can still see people expecting goodness from one another. They have not given up hoping and expecting from men or from God. Most importantly, they have not given up hope on themselves.
Hope is such a powerful thing. It keeps you alive because it keeps you wanting to be alive. I remember once years ago when i was representing my school for a Swiss-Singapore youth forum, one of the presentations that we had to make was:"What we wanted out of life?" Mine was pure simplicity, I wanted a beautiful life, one with a beautiful wife and beautiful children living in a beautiful house.
I thought this was the simple life, something easy to aim for. I thought wrong. Keep the faith they say, keep the faith.

I dedicate this post to Mr and Mrs Yip

2006-11-12T01:58:00.000+08:00

On their wedding night, i just realise i could have said something nice about the both of them since i have the privilege of knowing both of them pretty well.
The first time i got to know Selina was during youth camp 1995. She was in my group and i was the leader with Jess my A.L (All of this sounds so juvenile on hindsight) She was quiet and demure on first impression, notice the use of past tense "was". Hmmm... come think of it, most of the church girls i know "were" quiet and demure when i first knew them. All a bloody facade i say! Kudos to those who don't hide their true self, like Brucellina for example, she never hides her love for Bruce Lee and wants to be called Brucellina, nice name i say.(Disclaimer: This is the view of the altered ego of the writer and does not represent his view when he is conscious.)
After that youth camp, we went on to the same Bible study group, cell group and even music ministry. Thats how i got to know her true self, i mean real self.... her faithfulness is really commendable.
I remember seeing Jeremy in church sometimes after service. There was this period he had this ridiculous skin head, I was wondering if he was a fan of Hitler or he must have a not so healthy diet of American History X and other Nazis related stuff.
Our first real encounter was at a basket ball court in Toa payoh. I manage to single handledly win his team in football. A painful past he tries to forget. Guess i played a part in awakening his football genes. Now his skills has improved tremendously (All thanks to me!) and he is the proud captain of F.U. (Repeat after me and say it with gusto: F.... U.....!) It stands for Faith United for those who don't know.
All in all, I just want to say that i am truly happy to see the both of you get hitched, it is truly a joy to see that u guys seem so very happy together, and through it all, i know you are both a very good match together. May u guys make beautiful babies together too. Remember, it is not just the destination, it is the process and journey that really matters.
Thanks for being a part of my life.

Zombified

2006-11-02T09:06:00.000+08:00

You sleep, wake up, go to work, sleep, wake up, go to work... have a few drinks with friends, sing k, deal with unreasonable clients at work btw these people are truly in the "Full of shit stupid idiot league." (Quote from Nic and Gin) sigh... i am off work, will not want to thnk about it.
What the heck, its like living in Monopoly, Its just going round n round n round. You earn a living, collect ur pay everytime u pass go, buy property, earn more... start a family, have children, ur children have children. Is there a point to all these? There must be a point right? I am trying to find out, so if there is someone out there who knows let me know.
If life continues this way, life is not worth living. Somebody save me from this zombified life! Now that my weekends are so without purpose, the only thing i can look forward on sunday is Bro Fred's Vision classes. Well there is also a Maxim Party to look forward to tomorrow, but that is partly work too. Wat's worst sat i am on duty for women's fair. Bloody no life.
Just trying hard to get use to my life now. Trying to take my mind off things i don't want to think about. Music helps to put me to sleep if it is the right music. For example, i am listening to damien rice now and i feel like killing myself and the next moment Michael Buble comes up with the next song on my playlist and i feel like singing n dancing to Dream little dream of me. Then again anyone who sees me dance might want to kill themselves too...
Sigh, i will end this entry with the Damien Rice song, do come to the women's fair at Marina Square Central Atrium, if anyone of you are free. Lots of freebies and fashion shows going on.
Blower's Daughter
And so it isJust like you said it would beLife goes easy on meMost of the timeAnd so it isThe shorter storyNo love, no gloryNo hero in her skyI can't take my eyes off of youAnd so it isJust like you said it should beWe'll both forget the breezeMost of the timeAnd so it isThe colder waterThe blower's daughterThe pupil in denialI can't take my eyes off of youDid I say that I loathe you?Did I say that I want toLeave it all behind?I can't take my mind off of youMy mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new...

Life has been good to me

2006-10-29T10:36:00.000+08:00

Life has been good to me. I would like to think so... I have put on more than 10 kg around my waist, i am sure if i was on Titanic, I would have survived with the 10 kg of fats keeping me afloat and burning to keep me warmth till all the ice berg melted.
The fact of the matter is, i don't mind being called Telly Tubby but it irks me that my clothes are not fitting anymore and the first thing people ever say to me after seeing me on the streets or in the toilet next to the bloody urinal is:"You put on weight huh? Life must have been good to you."
Who the hell dictates that increase in body Fat = 7th heaven happiness?!? Here i am worrying about buying new clothes and there u r laughing and smiling at my "Italy" (Reads Yi Da Li in chinese meaning one pack instead of six packs) I could have been eating myself silly because i was depressed and on the verge of suicide and people just have to rub it in. Bloody makes no sense.
Some friends are nice enough to say that its a good thing that i have put on weight cuz it makes me look older and more mature. (Thanks Glad!) The happiest person was my mum who felt so proud that her cooking must have improved and that she has succeeded in making me gouge on her home cook dinners. (Not true, i am hardly home for dinner)
Let me clarify, Life has not been a bed of roses for me. Even if it was, roses are full of thorns, who came up with this "Bed of roses" thing anyway? Work has been shit cuz i was down for 3 weeks due to reservist and training and the clock doesn't stop because u are gone.
My love life hasn't really.... wait a minute... I have no love life! Arrghhh.... that explains why my weekends r just like weekdays.
Well anyways, I just can't wait for my Christmas issue to hit the news stand. That would mean that Christmas is just round the corner, another sell out issue i pray.
Last but not least, i am hitting the gym now. Although its way overdue cuz i promise Impact that i am suppose to recover to my former self in 1 month (since July... alas i lied) Well i can't get any assignment anyway, now that i am working for a media owner. Least i get screwed by my boss.
I think i will buy a plain t shirt and draw a rectangle on the front of the shirt at my tummy area, that way people will think i am really Telly Tubby and i am paid to look the way i look. Bloody senseless.